Public Hassles

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

inCalifornia Want to adopt? Pregnant? click here

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

I truly believe that children aren't taught to respect public places. Practically from the day they're born, without teaching them the proper way to behave in public, we start taking them to all sorts of joints. So they grow to think the public is some faceless and over-tolerant being they can have their way with as they please. I'm amazed at some of the behavior I see parents allow in restaurants and grocery stores today. They plead and bribe their children to act nicely, so that the kids' anti-social actions are almost rewarded, in a way.

Logical consequences

If your children act badly in a public place, hightail it home. If this public misbehavior is a recurrent problem, set them up for a bigger fall. For instance, tell them you're all going to go to see that movie that they've been drooling over for the last two weeks. The rules are, if they're nice, they stay; if they're not, they go. And at the least hint of commotion, take them home. NO SECOND CHANCES.

If your children are responsible for any acts of vandalism, have them make or pay for any repairs of the damage. If your children litter, have them pick it up along with all of the litter nearby. If a fine is imposed, make them pay it.

Solutions toward self-direction

Define and explain clear rules and boundaries for public behavior for them to incorporate into their internal dialogue.

Never give in to your children when they're making a scene in public. They'll just mark that in the "this trick works great" column.

Never bribe your children. You want them to behave because it's right, not because it'll get them something they want. This bribery only encourages them to grow up feeling they're entitled to everything.

Don't threaten your children with shame: "Those people are looking at you. How embarrassing! I bet they think you're a spoiled brat!" This shaming makes children think that the opinions that others have of them are crucial to their self-worth.

Don't use the ever-popular threat, "Do you want the man to come over here and make you behave?" I bet my children grew up having horrible nightmares about evil waiters and grocery store security guards. But this threat just sends the message that you can't handle their bad behavior and need to call upon a higher authority. The faceless "man" becomes an external influence to which they react blindly.

Use questioning: "What's the rule about behaving in public (or littering, loitering, etc.)?" "How do you think others feel about your actions?" "What do you intend to do to make things right again?"

When they do behave well in public, let them know you noticed. "Billy, you're acting so grown up here in the store. I really enjoy your company when you make such good choices."

Use impartial descriptions and give information: "People can't hear the movies when there's lots of noise in the theatre." "This noise level seems to be bothering that couple at the next table." "We don't allow this kind of behavior in the store."

Offer choices: "When you find ways to settle yourself down, then we can go back into the theater." "You must sit at the table properly or leave the restaurant."

Try the minimalist parent approach: "Christopher . . . " (Then place your index finger to your lips to signal him to be quiet.)