Running Away From Home

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

There are several reasons children run away from home. Some do so because of an unstable family situation (divorce, a death in the family, sexual or physical abuse, or drug or alcohol problems in the parents). Some run away as a response to over-control, neglect, or conditional love. Some seek to wield power over, get undue attention from, manipulate, or punish their parents. Some suffer acute personal crises like pregnancy, substance abuse, or trouble with the law. Some are depressed, and some just seek adventure or are influenced to run away by their peers.

Logical consequences

There are certainly no acceptable natural consequences for running away, but there are logical ones. You can tighten the reins by becoming their little shadow. Tell them that until you feel certain they won't fly the coop, you're on them like white on rice.

Solutions toward self-direction

If they're little and are obviously bluffing at the door with their empty suitcases in hand, say your good-byes without looking up from your paper. "I'm sorry to see you leave, Billy. I'm really going to miss you, but it's your choice. Write if you get work." That way, they can't use the threat as a manipulative ploy. Their problem remains theirs alone.

Take a long, hard look at the family dynamics. Are your children being over-controlled? Do they have plenty of choices? Help them define their role or niche in the family. They must understand how important they are to the entire family.

Using the walk-through, pros and cons list, and other techniques mentioned earlier in the book, help your children deal with any problems they may be running away from.

Communicate, communicate and communicate. Take the time to listen and understand your children without refuting their word, trying to have the last say, or letting it go in one ear and out the other. Most kids who run away complain that their parents don't understand or listen to them.

Use questioning: "What troubles are you having that made this seem like the only solution for you?" "What other options can you think of?"

Try providing information: "Your Uncle Phil ran away when he was sixteen and here's what consequences he had to endure." (List as many as you can, and make it as graphic as the law will allow!)