School Phobia

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

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To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Some children are over-protected and too dependent on a parent. Some are agoraphobic (they have a fear of public places and crowds), some suffer from depression, and some have a heightened fear of criticism, evaluation, and failure.

Logical consequences

Hey, going to school is not negotiable. They're going no matter what. If they want to go in their pajamas, that's their choice.

Solutions toward self-direction

Acknowledge your children's fear: "I know you don't want to go to school, and you'll be a little nervous at first, but I have faith in you to work out those fears."

Don't cling to your children because of any separation anxiety you have! They can pick up on the subtlest of signals that you don't have faith in them to work out their problem on their own.

Give your children age-appropriate responsibilities early on. Don't do everything for them or rescue them from difficult experiences and mistakes. You need to send a constant message that you have faith in them to be self-reliant.

Teach your children the skills to recover from defeat, as addressed earlier in the book, so that they aren't afraid of taking risks and making mistakes.

Use impartial descriptions and give information: "It's common to be nervous about going to school." "When people face whatever they're afraid of, they usually get less and less afraid over time."