Sex Before They're Ready

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

All children are eventually curious about sexuality and will end up satisfying this curiosity if their parents don't beat them to the punch.

Logical consequences

Define and enforce clear rules about what you consider appropriate ways for them to learn about sexuality. If you find pornographic magazines, take them away, and withhold their allowance until you feel comfortable that they won't spend it on things of this nature.

If your children call those infamous 900 numbers that are for "mature audiences only," make them cough up the dough to pay the bill, and remove their phones from their rooms.

If you find out that your children are visiting pornographic web sites, take away their computer privileges for a month. The same goes for those times when you catch them communicating with strangers on the Internet. "Buddies online" services that allow them to chat with their friends directly are much safer options.

Solutions toward self-direction

Address your children's questions about sexuality openly. If you're too embarrassed, trust me, someone else will do the job for you.

Don't wait until your children ask you about sex. When you think they're ready to understand such concepts, explain them in an age-appropriate way. You can buy them books to help cover some of the subject, but this reading shouldn't completely replace your role as their teacher in such matters. I like the book for adolescents by Dr. Ruth Westheimer entitled Dr. Ruth Talks to Kids. It covers each subject candidly and appropriately without making sex out to be some kinky or shameful act.

Never make your children feel they should be ashamed of their own sexual curiosity by scolding, shaming, ridiculing, or punishing them for sexual exploration (in both their actions and their questions) that is normal and healthy for their age.

Use the correct words for body parts. Using words like "weenie," "boobs," or "balls" shows your children that you think sexual aspects of the body are shameful, disgusting, or embarrassing.

Use questioning: "I notice that, nowadays, sex is more about image and power than love. Do you think that's right? Do you sometimes feel social pressure in anything relating to sex?" "Do you think you have all the answers you need, concerning sex? Are there any questions you have about this subject?" "What are the consequences of having sex before you're ready?" "Do you know anyone at school who has made mistakes where sex is concerned? What consequences have they had to experience because of it?"

Use impartial descriptions: "You seem very interested in boys now. Let's share what you and I know about sex. Maybe I can fill in some of the gaps."