Shyness

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Some children are shy because that's their temperament. Some are shy because they're over-controlled or over-protected by their parents. Some aren't taught the necessary skills to handle stress or failure. Some aren't raised to be independent and self-reliant.

Logical consequences

There aren't any effective logical consequences that won't backfire and make your shrinking violets wilt even more.

Solutions toward self-direction

Never force your children to socialize. Never coax them to come out from hiding behind you and speak, for instance. This makes them learn to react mindlessly to others in fear. But don't let them use their shyness as an excuse to avoid things.

Allow for differences in personality, and let your children know that you accept these differences as part of their uniqueness. Don't speak for your children.

Give your children plenty of age-appropriate responsibilities to increase their sense of competence. Teach your children skills to recover from defeat. They must experience and learn how to handle failure to feel competent.

Encourage friendships that provide the right chemistry. Try not to encourage them to befriend aggressive, manipulative, or bossy kids. Role-play various peer interactions they might find uncomfortable.

Encourage, but don't force, your children to have new experiences. Expose them to their world as much as you possibly can.

Help your children find their roles within the family. Offer them ways to contribute.