Sibling Rivalry

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children fight with their siblings because they're struggling to find their special niche within the family. Sometimes, it's to suck you in to the fray and get attention. And once you get close, it's like a black hole. Even light can't escape its clutches.

Logical consequences

Let them work it out for themselves. Never take sides, come to the youngest one's rescue, or assume the eldest is to blame. Your attention might be just the thing they seek.

If your children fight over seating arrangements, nobody sits anywhere until they work out a system. If they fight over television channel choices or time at the computer, nobody gets to use either until they come up with a plan everyone can agree upon.

Solutions toward self-direction

Acknowledge your children's feelings. If your daughter says, "Mommy, I hate Erik! He's always so mean to me," say something like "I know how upset you must be when he teases you. I used to get mad at my older brother, too." Don't dismiss her feelings with remarks like "You can't possibly feel that way. He's your brother, for goodness sakes!" This response only creates confusion in their minds about their conflicting feelings of love and annoyance.

Talk about the sibling wars you experienced as a child, and then let your children know how rewarding your relationships with your siblings is now. If those relationships aren't as close as you had hoped, discuss where and why things went sour, what regrets you have, and what you could have done differently growing up together. Our children can learn from our mistakes.

When a new sibling is born, give the older sibling age-appropriate ways to help care for him or her. This involvement makes them feel needed, rather than threatened, by the new arrival.

Use questioning: "I see you and your sister aren't getting along well. You did great yesterday. What's different now?" "How does not getting along make you feel, compared to when you're friends?" "How do you think your sister is feeling now? What are you going to do about it?"

Use impartial descriptions: "I see you're getting along so well together. And it looks like you're having a lot more fun playing than fighting. Look how happy you both are." "When you fight with your brother, I find that you complain about not having anyone to play with."