Sportsmanship (Poor)

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Some children just don't take to competition well. Whenever they lose, they perceive it as a personal attack against their self-worth and retaliate with sour comments, insults, flying board game pieces, and gnashing teeth. The fact that society (including some parents) encourages a winner/loser attitude and is so focused on competition adds fuel to the fire.

Logical consequences

If your children show poor sportsmanship, they shouldn't be allowed to continue with the competition. If their bad conduct occurs at the end of the game, they can't play in the next one. Say something like, "I can't let you play until I'm sure you're going to be a better sport." Have your children make amends with whomever they subjected to their poor sportsmanship.

Solutions toward self-direction

Encourage cooperative games over competitive ones, especially in younger children who don't yet have the social and cognitive maturity to deal with defeat. Don't let your children win all the time when you play games with them. They need to understand that they can't possibly expect to win at everything.

Make good sportsmanship part of your family's identity: "We're good sports in our family."

Give your children the unconditional love they need. When they win or lose some form of competition, focus your comments on how hard they tried, whether they were good sports, whether they had fun, and how well they played as part of a team.

If your children are involved a competitive sport or game that has one of those coaches with that "Let's crush the competition! Win! Win! Win!" attitude, pull them out. The same goes for those sports where the parents of the team members are thirsty for blood.

Use questioning: "I see you're pretty upset about losing your soccer match. What are our rules about good sportsmanship?" "How does behaving like a poor sport make you feel-better or worse?"

Role-play situations that prompt poor sportsmanship from your child.

Use impartial descriptions and give information: "I see you're being such a good sport. I know how hard that is when you've lost an important match. You must feel pretty proud of yourself. And it looks like you've earned the respect of your friends with your conduct, too."

Whenever you watch sports or games of any sort with your children, point out and discuss good and bad sportsmanship in the competitors.