Stealing and Shoplifting

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children commit crimes to satisfy their curiosity, to comply with peer pressure, to finance a drug habit, to feel powerful, to gain attention, to vent feelings of jealousy, or to get revenge.

Logical consequences

Regardless of the crime, your children should feel the full extent of the legal consequences. Don't buy them out of the sticky mess, argue with the authorities, help them come up with excuses, or rescue them in any other way.

If you discover that your children shoplifted, make them return the stolen goods in person, accompanied by a sincere apology.

If you find that something of yours has been stolen, don't force a confession from your children. Instead, tell them that you expect it to be replaced within an hour or so, or the cost of the item will be divided among and docked from each child's allowance.

Have your children repay their victims in some way. If they vandalized the corner store, make them clean up the mess, pay the cost of repairs, and work weekends there (without pay) for a certain period of time. Of course, apologies given in person are always called for.

Make your children responsible for the costs of all legal fees, tickets, and fines. Hey, if they have to earn the money breaking up rocks in the backyard with an ice pick, so be it!

Remove anything used to commit the crime. If they got caught speeding or driving drunk, take away the car. If they shot someone's window with a BB gun, confiscate the gun.

Tighten up the reins. Make their curfew much earlier, don't allow them to leave your sight without adult supervision, drive them to school and take them physically to class, veto any associations with their current friends with whom they seem to be making bad choices, and so on. Tell them the reins will be loosened when you feel more comfortable that they'll respect the welfare and property of others.

Solutions toward self-direction

Use questioning: "How do you think Mr. Parsons felt when you stole candy from his store?" "Do you think taking things from others is a sign of strength or weakness?" "What motivated you to do it?" "What do you plan to do to make things all right?"

If they have committed crimes in the past, have your children visit your local jail, sit in one of the empty cells, wear a pair of handcuffs, and speak with some of the police officers.

Use impartial descriptions and give information: "The Miller family is law abiding." "We do not tolerate breaking the law, in our family." "It seems like getting caught for shoplifting really messed things up for you for awhile. You seem very down since that happened."