Sulking and Pouting

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Sulking and pouting are really just silent forms of tantrums. And frankly, they're not restricted to children! People use this form of behavior to get their way, to get attention, or to seek revenge. Children who are over-controlled sulk or pout because they've never been given a chance to learn how to get what they want verbally. Children who have permissive parents sulk because it works.

Logical consequences

Make it a rule that if your children try to get something by sulking or pouting, they definitely won't get it under any circumstances.

No sulkers or pouters allowed in your personal space. They'll have to take it elsewhere. So, make them leave until they're finished with their "poor little me" act.

Solutions toward self-direction

Never make their problem seem more important to you than to them. Don't reprimand, threaten, punish, or tease your sulker or pouter. Just let children work their problem out on their own. If you feel compelled to interfere, leave the room. Remember, "Ho hum."

Role-play situations that tend to incite the child to sulk or pout.

Use questioning: "What are you trying to tell me? I need words to understand you." "Do you think your behavior will accomplish what you want it to?" "Do you like it when other people sulk or pout with you?" "How do you feel about them when they do?"

Give choices: "Do you want to pout in your room or stay here and think of a solution to your problem?"

Use the minimalist parenting technique: Get your child's attention by calling out his name. Then lift your pouting lip off the bottom of your chin and use your fingers to transform your mouth into a smile.