Tantrums (Physical and Verbal)

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Tantrums. Every parent's nightmare. When our children are in the throes of one, we feel helpless, as if we're watching an eruption from Mount Krakatoa. And they smell our fear, people. They smell our fear.

There are tons of reasons children throw fits. Some don't have the necessary skills to express their frustration, disappointment, anger, and desires verbally, some want attention, some want revenge, some want to get their way, or some just don't know what else to do.

Logical consequences

Never give in to your children when they have tantrums. Keep that "Ho hum, take care of your problem on your own, buddy" attitude.

Wait quietly until he gives up, or pick him up (or lead him by the hand) and take him to another room without uttering a peep. The fewer words, the better. If your child has a tantrum in public, take him home.

Solutions toward self-direction

Never nag, plead, bribe, coax, wheedle, or threaten your children when they have tantrums, or it'll become more entrenched as an externally directed reaction. Just leave them alone.

It's perfectly acceptable to acknowledge their feelings: "I know how angry you feel, and it's okay to be angry. I'll just hold you until you're finished."

Give choices: "It's okay to be upset. You can either express it in a quiet and acceptable way, or you can have your tantrum in your own space."

Use questioning after the tantrum is over, preferably long after: "You were upset in the grocery store today. Did you accomplish what you wanted with that behavior?"

Role-play whatever event prompted the tantrum. Have your child play one side, then the other.