Tattling

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children tattle because they don't know how to solve their own problems, they want attention, or they feel they must undermine someone else to improve our opinion of them. Bottom line: If we try to fix it, it'll stay broken. It's like trying to fix a Swiss watch. You're going to be picking up little pieces all day long if you do.

Logical consequences

When your children tattle, they'll incur the wrath of whoever it is they're betraying.

Solutions toward self-direction

Establish tattling rules. Basically, children shouldn't be allowed to tell on someone unless life, limb, and property are at stake. Teach your children how to resolve their own conflicts verbally.

Have a "tattle box" somewhere handy. Once they're old enough, require your children to write out their concerns and place them in the box to be addressed later. This delay will help eliminate those times they tattle just to get your attention on the fly. It also motivates them to reflect inwardly on whether they should handle the situation themselves.

Try one of these approaches:

"You aren't tattling, are you?" (Message: I ain't getting' sucked into this one, buddy!)

"I know how angry you feel with Billy. What are you going to do about it?" (Message: I understand how you feel and expect you to handle it.)

"I know you and Billy can work things out." (Message: I have faith in you.)

Use questioning: "You're tattling. What are the rules about tattling?" "What can you do to work out your problem without my help?"

Make observations when they take care of their own conflicts: "Jonathan, I noticed you handled things on your own when Tommy called you names. Wow, that's pretty grown up!"