Teasing and Name-Calling

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

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To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children verbally torture when they're jealous, when they want revenge, when they want to seem tough and powerful, or when they're angry and don't know how to work out their conflicts in acceptable ways.

Logical consequences

If your children tease or call someone else names, they'll usually get all of the natural consequences they need from others. As they grow up and get an earful of teasing themselves, they'll stop. But if things seem out of hand, remove them from the other child after requiring them to make amends in some way. Tell them they can join their friends when you think they can be kinder.

Solutions toward self-direction

Teach your children skills to resolve conflicts. Role-play situations where your children are being teased and vice versa.

Use questioning: "I saw you teasing Danielle. What are our rules about teasing? What made you feel you had to do it? How do you think she felt when you teased her? How do you feel when you get teased? What are other ways you could have handled your feelings?"

Give choices: "Do you want to go inside, or stay and be kind to your friends?"

Use impartial descriptions and give information: "I overheard you teasing Jane. We use kind words in our family." "Name-calling is hurtful and causes problems rather than solves them. If you have a disagreement with someone, handling it with kind words is very effective."