Unreliability and Irresponsibility

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

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To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children who have everything done for them and are consistently rescued from the consequences of their bad decisions grow to be unreliable and irresponsible adults.

Logical consequences

If your children don't fulfill their responsibilities, they should bear the consequences. If they forget to turn in their library book, they should have to pay the fine themselves. If they aren't reliable in those things you ask them to do, take away some of their privileges. Tell them that the level of privileges must match the level of reliability and responsibility, both of which tie in to their level of maturity.

Solutions toward self-direction

Don't rescue your children from their mistakes. Don't shelter them from experiences.

Give your children age-appropriate responsibilities from the beginning rather than doing everything for them all the time. Teach your children skills to recover from defeat as discussed earlier in this book.

Never nag, threaten, label, or punish your children when they don't come through on their responsibilities.

Use questioning: "You didn't do your paper route this morning. Why do you suppose it's so important to be reliable in your responsibilities? Do you think you might lose your job because of your bad decisions?"

Use impartial descriptions and give information: "Mrs. Jones says you didn't get her mail while she went on vacation, as you promised. We believe in fulfilling our commitments in our family."

Remark on those times when they are reliable: "I notice you gathered up the video rentals for me to take back to the store. That sure makes my job easier. And I like feeling that I can depend on you."