Vanity

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children become obsessed with their outward appearance when they believe it's pivotal to their acceptance by others and by themselves. Unfortunately, society sends them messages that how they look is more important than what kind of human beings they are.

Logical consequences

Children who are vain are often alienated by their peers. One hopes they'll get the message.

Solutions toward self-direction

De-emphasize the importance of their external appearance. Instead of telling them how pretty they look, point out one of their character strengths instead. Don't buy them designer fashions, fancy makeup, and other things that encourage vanity.

Try not to make comments, negative or positive, about other people's looks on TV, in movies, in public, etc.

Use questioning: "Why is there so much pressure to look perfect, nowadays? Do you think this is good or bad?" "How do you feel about those who are overly concerned with their looks?"

Use impartial descriptions and give information: "You seem to be so concerned with the way your hair looks, now. Most of your friends care more about their appearance than yours. What they do care about in others are things like compassion, integrity, loyalty, and so on."