Whining

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children whine because they want undue attention, because they seek revenge, because they want to test the limits of their power, or because it works.

Logical consequences

If your children whine, their request should be immediately denied. Refuse to listen until they can talk in a "big girl" or "big boy" voice. If they don't stop right away, leave the room or make them leave the room.

Solutions toward self-direction

Sometimes children whine because they don't feel a sense of belonging. Help them find appropriate roles within the family.

Try humor: Tape-record your children while they're whining and play it back when they're in a good mood. Ask them what they think about the sounds they were making. But never use this tactic as a form of mockery.

Never nag, threaten, mock, ridicule, or punish your children when they whine. It just encourages them to engage you in an externally directed power struggle. To them, negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Use questioning, "What is our rule about whining? Why do we have that rule?" "How do you think it makes me feel when you talk to me in that tone of voice?" "How do you feel when you hear other people whining?"

Use observations when they aren't whining: "I notice you asked for dessert without whining, today. I really enjoy listening to you when you speak in a respectful tone of voice."

Use impartial descriptions and give information: "I see you're whining. That strategy has no effect on me."

Give choices: "You can either talk to me in a more pleasant voice or leave the room." "When you stop whining, then I can listen to you."