Withdrawal to Their Room

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

for California

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Sure, some parents with teenagers think this withdrawal is a bonus rather than a problem, but it's fairly natural and predictable. Why? Most adolescents have many uncertainties about how their bodies are changing and the increasing responsibilities in their lives. This uncertainty gives them the illusion that they have less control, so they seek refuge in familiar surroundings that are wholly their own. Some children feel over-controlled, under-appreciated, and neglected by us. Many children this age have (gulp) done things they know we'd disapprove of and hide themselves in their rooms because they're afraid their facial expressions, body language, or loose lips will give them away. On rare occasions, our children become hermits, because they're depressed or have an antisocial disorder.

Logical consequences

Hey, sometimes they're going to miss out on some cool stuff.

Solutions toward self-direction

Let them communicate openly without fear of ridicule or evaluation. Never refute, criticize, or reject their opinions. In fact, encourage them to find their own beliefs.

One of the best times to talk with your adolescents is at bedtime. I love to sit on the edge of their beds, stroke their hair, and listen to their concerns and joys. This companionship lets them know you enjoy their company.

Spend plenty of one-on-one time with them. Try to do things they like to do. For instance, take the boys to the hardware store to check out the newest tractors. You're not going to drag them off to help you shop for lingerie. Not if you want to live, that is.

Acknowledge and accept their imperfections, and model how you accept your own. If you're perfect, take this book back for a refund and go talk to Martha Stewart.

Let your children know that you expect them to make mistakes and will love them no matter what. Discuss some of the mistakes you made when you were their age.

Respect their privacy. Don't barge in their rooms without permission, and don't force them to discuss their day. Just let them mumble. (Are there any foreign language classes in Mumble-ese?)

Try humor. Sprinkle M & M's from their door to the dinner table.

When you're lucky enough to spend time with your teenagers, let them know how you feel with remarks like "I really enjoy your company."

Use impartial descriptions and give information: "You've been in your room all day. That's fine, but we do expect to see you at the diner table at 6:00." "I know you value your time alone, and that's okay, as long as your responsibilities here at home are met." "It's rare to find someone who enjoys their own company."