Adopting Privately or Independently?

As Shakespeare said, "To adopt or not to adopt, that is the question." Actually, I am not sure that Shakespeare used precisely those words, but that is clearly the question which a couple must ask themselves at the outset of the adoption process. For any number of reasons, adoption is not the right choice for every couple looking to complete their family. However, that issue is a subject of a different article.

Once the decision to adopt has been made, the couple next must decide whether to adopt through an adoption agency or privately. This article will discuss the later. For the purposes of this article, "private" and "independent" adoption are used interchangeably.

The hallmark of a private or independent adoption is that the prospective adoptive parents take an active role in bringing about their own success. This generally involves networking, advertising, or using the Internet.

In most states, adopting independently is just as legal, moral, and ethical as adopting through an adoption agency. However, some states mandate that all adoptions be handled by adoption agencies, for example, Massachusetts and Connecticut. Before trying to adopt independently, the prospective adoptive parents need to be sure they understand the requirements and limitations of the laws of their home state.

In selecting an attorney to assist with an independent adoption, the prospective adoptive parents should carefully do their research. Not every attorney has the expertise, knowledge, experience, and sensitivities to handle an independent adoption. Furthermore, merely because an attorney has handled step-parent adoptions does not mean that the attorney is familiar with the intricacies of a private or independent adoption. If the adoptive and birth parents live in different states, the adoption attorney must have a good working knowledge of the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children.

Another, very significant consideration in selecting an attorney, or for that matter an adoption agency, if an agency adoption is pursued, is the likelihood of being successful with the services offered by that attorney or agency. For obvious reasons, if the performance record of the attorney or agency offers little hope that an adoptive placement will actually occur, the prospective adoptive parents should choose a different practitioner.

Also, in choosing an adoption attorney, another, more intangible and harder to measure factor is the prospective adoptive parents' comfort with the attorney. Is the attorney able to answer questions in an understandable way? Does the attorney seem sensitive to the needs of both the adoptive parents and the birth parents? Is the attorney available to provide assistance outside of regular business hours? Does the attorney seem likeable? This last element is typically not a quality which a person looks for in hiring an attorney, but in an adoption, when the attorney is going to be having direct contact with the birth parents, it is very important that the attorney be perceived as a "nice" person. (It may go without saying, but if you are hiring an attorney to litigate a case, "niceness" is not a quality to be sought.) Of critical importance, do the prospective adoptive parents trust the attorney? Without implicit trust in the attorney, the prospective adoptive parents should not retain the services of the attorney.

Furthermore, prospective adoptive parents should only involve themselves with adoptions which are handled in accordance with state law. Violating the law may result in not only in criminal penalties, but also the setting aside of the adoption and the removal of the child from the adoptive home.

Once the attorney has been selected, one other consideration for prospective adoptive parents is the level of openness/confidentiality of their adoption. In a private or independent adoption, this aspect is something that should be discussed with the adoption attorney at the outset. In some states, such as California, exchange of identifying information is mandatory in a private or independent adoption. In most other states, only non-identifying, information is exchanged. Clearly, the trend in adoption, both independent and agency adoption, is greater pre-placement involvement between adoptive parents and birth parents. Exchange of non-identifying written information is routine and more and more adoptive parents are talking by telephone and meeting in person with birth parents. In most cases, this is done on a non-identifying, first name basis. The purpose of the exchange of information is for the benefit of both the birth parents and the adoptive parents.

Clearly, the birth parents want to know what type of family will be raising their child. A common misconception about adoption is that birth parents proceed with adoptions because they do not want their children or because they do not care about them. This is as far from being true as possible. Birth parents make adoption plans for children because they truly love their children and want more than they can offer at that moment in their lives. Understanding this, it then becomes easier to understand why a birth parent would want to take the time to talk with, or meet, prospective adoptive parents.

From the adoptive parents perspective, obtaining non-identifying information, both in writing and in person, will be critical in explaining adoption to their child when the child begins asking questions. First hand information which the adoptive parents have obtained in meeting the birth parents will be far more satisfying for the child than a written report from the attorney describing the birth parents.

Another very common aspect of both agency and private adoption is the providing of updates after the placement of the child. Updates are generally in the form of letters and photographs. In most cases, there is no physical contact between the birth parents and the adoptive parents after placement, but often there is an exchange of letters and photographs at least during the first few years. This should not be seen as a threat to adoptive parents. As stated, birth parents make adoption plans because they love their children. Understanding this love and deep emotional bond with the child makes it easier to understand why a birth parent might be curious about how the child is developing.

Adoption is a wonderful option. Not only does it satisfy the needs and desires of families to have children, but it also provides a good solution to birth parents who find themselves unable to provide their children with the lives that they so desperately want. Most importantly, the children obtain good homes with secure and bright futures.