Holiday Blues: For Those Who MissTheir Families at the Holidays

Reunited but apart

When I, and many others, first started our quests to find our birthchildren, our only hope was to find them alive and happy. Of course we held onto a dream that they would once again be a part of our lives, but realistically dared only hope all was well, and possibly get a 'glimpse' of them. Anything else is 'icing' on the cake.

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In order for a reunion to work, there has to be a great deal of understanding and communication.

Holidays are a very touchy subject. Granted, nothing would be better than to celebrate with our found child. However, realistically they already have family obligations with those who raised them so, why add unneeded pressure in what is usually a fragile relationship?

Just the other day I received a frustrated email from my own birthdaughter. She is going to be in this area during the holidays and it would be wonderful to wake up Christmas morning with ALL my children, but I know this cannot happen. She has a family who also expect her. She was afraid I would be upset. But I had already improvised.

Who says Christmas has to be celebrated on December 25th? I assured her this was fine and to enjoy the day with her parents. "Our" family is celebrating on the 26th. I had already discussed the possibility with my other children who also liked it. This way they could visit the in-laws, etc., without worrying about offending me too.

It's not the date that matters. Just rejoice in any time that will work out. It is much better to settle for what we can get than brood about what we cannot have. Try to remember what I often tell newly reunited families: "Dreams may come true but fairy tales seldom do. "

For those still searching

For 30 years I cried sometimes silent tears on 3 days each year. My birthchild's birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas. She was always on my mind, but these occasions brought on an avalanche of emotions. Where was she? Was she okay? Did she ever think of me or even know of me?

Most of us 'moved on' with our lives and had other children. We had to put on our Happy Faces on holidays for their sakes. Still, that empty place in our hearts burned.

One coping mechanism that can be helpful is to write down what you are feeling and save it. Date the entry and tell your birthchild, or birthparent, exactly how you feel and what you are thinking. Write about other things going on in your life too. Then tuck it away somewhere. When, and I do say 'when' and not 'if', you are reunited give it to your loved one. Chances are they were thinking of you too. Reading it will legitimize the love you have always felt for them.

And remember, you are not alone. Look for a support group, on or off line. Find someone you can talk to who understands what you are going through.

Before I started searching online for my daughter I thought I might be crazy. 'They' said I would forget and life would go on. Life proceeded but the love and thoughts of my child never left. No one talked about it. I learned quickly though through an online support group, and then a great local one too, that I was actually 'normal'. It's okay to cry. It's okay to grieve. It is actually healthier, I think. Keeping it all bottled inside will cause nothing but a big festering wound that will eventually explode.

Everything revolves around hopes and wishes. It is healthy to dream for good things to happen. Hope might be the one and only thing which gets you through a bad day, like a holiday, It may not seem at times like wishes are granted, but holding on to them will always get you closer to what you really want. So cling to hope when you are down and never give up.