Is Anything 'Normal'?

"I am a 52 year old adoptee and found my bmom a year and a half ago. We have exchanged lots of letters and phone calls. We live 500 miles apart. I have been there to visit and met my half sibs. Now that the 'rush' is over I am not sure where I am. My amom died when I was 11 and my a dad when I was 25, so I have not had parents for 30-40 years. And I had no other extended family either. Now that I do, I have conflicting emotions... or lack of them. I get busy and forget to write or call. I am related by blood to these people but I don't know them. There was no big 'connection' when we met. Yes, it was great to find blood relatives, but I only had 5 minutes alone with my mom in the 5 days I was there. And I think we are both emotionaly reserved and keep things inside. Also I find myself blaming her for the 'issues' I have. If she had not given me up I would have grown up with a Mom and family and I would be different. I know in my head that she did what was best at the time but sometimes my heart says opposite things. Is all of this 'normal' (if there is anything Normal about the whole adoption experience)??" - Linda

Dear Linda,

I very often remind people who are searching or reunited that dreams may come true but fairy tales seldom do.

Reunions are infrequently, if ever, perfect. Initial contact may be overwhelming, but emotions do settle, and the reunion often takes on some of the qualities of a 'love affair.' Sometimes there is 'infatuation at first sight' and a whirlwind 'romance,' but more often than not, reunions resemble a kind of 'courtship'. Much communication is needed.

For starters one must never assume they know what the other person is thinking/feeling. And many times people are so much alike that it is hard to relate. You know they say 'opposites attract' and our found children/parents are far from our opposites. For example, if you find yourself 'waiting' to hear from her, chances are she is waiting for you too.

Also, since you have been 'parentless' for so long, it's possible your parent-child (adult child now) skills are outdated, and you may not feel comfortable setting the limits that are necessary in all adult relationships. Whatever feels 'right' to you is probably what is right for you, and learning to express this will be an important part of your continuing reunion.

Lezli
found daughter Julie on 3/18/1999
born 10/10/1968 in Ohio
adopted in Indiana now in Texas
Leave no stone unturned.