Relationship Stages After Reunion

Not every individual goes through every stage; they may not be sequential, they may be repeated. The stages are common to the post-reunion period and are normal consequences of reunion.

HONEYMOON STAGE:

a. Characterized by euphoria, joy and sense of being on top of the world
b. Effort made by parties to find similarity and common interests
c. Much time spent together in an effort to catch up on each other's life with exchanges of photos, letter and gifts.
d. Preoccupation with other party
e. Minor negotiations about relationship, i.e. What to call birth parent
f. Some uncertainty about place or role in other's life, frequency of contact, how to introduce each other to friends and family members

TIME OUT STAGE:

a. One party may pull back to evaluate and process events. The honeymoon is over. Other party may feel confused when this happens. Birth parents may feel hurt, angry, frustrated and frightened if adoptee pulls back and adoptee may feel rejected by birth parent if he/she pulls back
b. Problems in relationship may develop here due to lack of understanding of the process; society has few role models for this experience
c. Parties may seek professional help to resolve situation

SHOWDOWN STAGE:

a. Confrontation of parties to address status of relationship and its future development
b. If birth parent initiates confrontation, she/he may fear loss of child again - different confronting adopted adult because biological tie is not enough to assure success. In parenting, the element of permanency exists and the bond is not so fragile
c. If adopted adult confronts birth parents, she/he may fear being rejected by birth parents

DISENGAGEMENT STAGE:

a. Characterized by adopted adult or birth parents really moving away from the other, not just pulling back
b. Can be extremely painful for either party with feelings of anger, loss and rejection
c. Can occur if expectations are too rigid and differences between parties are too great

SOLIDIFYING STAGE:

a. Characterized by earnest negotiations between parties; roles, differences, issues continue to be worked on, but the relationship is more solid and settled with few ups and downs because agreement has been reached in many areas
b. Re-negotiations occur as life changes and growth takes place and new relationship roles emerge