Reunion Lessons Learned

Adoption reunion is often compared to a roller coaster ride. "Hold on tight" is good advice. Reunion can be a bumpy ride, but, a thrilling adventure as well. You may travel to the highest peaks of joy and then descend into the deepest darkest pits of despair. The highs and lows of reunion are quite pronounced for most of us. The analogy between reunions and roller coaster rides is quite fitting. One basic difference, however, is that on a roller coaster ride, you are generally able to see what is coming up next. In reunion, that is not always the case; there are many surprises and twists awaiting you around the next corner.

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Birth and reunion have some striking similarities as well. Both events are cause for high expectations and great rejoicing. Expectations that are too high, however, can create problems and lead to disappointment. Like a birth in a family, reunion is a life-altering event; your life will be changed forever after either experience. Moreover, birth and reunion both can have significant effects throughout a family.
The uncertainty as to the outcome of a reunion causes much trepidation and fear in its participants. While most of us enjoy and crave adventure at times, as a rule, we fear the unknown and crave stability and predictability. Reunion offers many challenges and it is an exciting process, but, predictable, it is not.

No matter how adequately prepared you consider yourself for reunion, it still slams most of us mortal souls like a ton of bricks. Despite the most lengthy and elaborate preparation, reunion is a unique life experience that you cannot imagine how it will feel or affect you until you are smack dab in the middle of it.

Here are some suggestions to assist you on your reunion roller coaster ride:

1) Develop the valuable quality of patience. If you have been able to struggle through life up to this point without having developed this asset, DO IT NOW! You will fare much better if you possess infinite patience. Not a novel concept, or advice you might want to hear, but, it is so essential.

2) Assemble a strong and extensive support system. This will include those family members and friends who are the most patient, caring and sympathetic, and support groups whose members include adoptees and birth parents. Locate therapists who specialize in adoption issues and enlist their support or advice when needed.

3) Read literature regarding adoption/reunion issues. If you find yourself confused as to which books are the most helpful and well respected, ask around and check adoption-related websites. You will find certain books mentioned repeatedly in several different locations. Those should be your first choice. Your purpose in reading about adoption/reunion is to educate yourself, however, do not allow the vast array of literature to overwhelm, confuse or scare the living daylights out of you!

4) Take mini-breaks from your reunion issues during the course of the process. Mini-breaks can include such relaxing events as bubble baths, spa excursions, quiet walks and reading non-adoption related books - you get the idea. It is normal to become obsessed with reunion issues and they can easily overwhelm you. Be mindful of the need to try to keep your life in balance.

5) Realize that even the most sympathetic family and friends will not always understand the vast amounts of time and energy you are devoting to your reunion. Try to give them the time and attention they deserve and ask for their patience and understanding when you cannot.

6) Listen carefully to clues the person you are in reunion with provides to you and let those clues guide your behavior. If certain subjects seem to make the other person uncomfortable, drop t he subject, at least for a while. When and if there are misunderstandings or hurt feelings, discuss them and try to resolve issues as they arise. This is very tough to do at times because we are afraid that other person will disappear out of our lives again, but, it is a critical step in building a good relationship.

7) Keep sight of the fact that reunion is a privilege denied too many. The opportunity for a reunion is a phenomenal gift. It can provide joy, healing and resolution like no other life experience. Cherish the moments of joy it offers and try not to let the more challenging moments cloud the enjoyment of your reunion.

Be optimistic and hope for the best, but do not expect miracles. From my experience though, reunion at times feels miraculous by its very nature. Remember too that seemingly hopeless situations do sometimes change over the course of time. I have personally seen several remarkable changes of heart in reunions. Be aware as well that not all reunions result in relationships. Even in those relationships that do develop, the amount of contact and closeness that develops varies dramatically. It is quite common for one party to want or need more than the other. This can be a major source of conflict and needs to be addressed.

All relationships take infinite patience (Patience - that pesky, word again!) and time to develop. Reunion relationships are certainly no exception. To the contrary, they require more care and time than any other relationship you may ever create. The good news is that they can also be very rewarding and satisfying. Reunions also are capable of healing wounds and providing resolution that nothing else can equal.