Making the Connection

A five-year-old Russian born adoptee becomes a frozen statue when his parents open a bottle, be it water or beer. A Russian born 6 year old, adopted for close to a year finally asked, with a terrified look on his face"are you drinking vodka?" It was bottled water! Another 8-year-old Russian born adoptee, after a temper tantrum, asked if his parents were going to get a divorce, too? You see, he had a belief that his alcoholic birthparents were divorced because they drank. And what is more sad, he also believed that divorce was the reason for his institutionalization and the subsequent loss of his entire family, his father, mother, sister and brother. This dramatic evening occurred all because his adoptive parents had a glass of wine with dinner! And, last, a beautiful 10 year old Russian adoptee having sleep problems because she remembers she was unable to get out of a frightening place as she screamed for her mother's help, who was likely passed out from drinking. Her father was already dead from alcohol poisoning. These stories validate the belief in the adoption community that the birth family is a lifetime part of the adoptive family. The birth family moved into your home when you adopted your child. They are there every minute of every day. They are there through biology, through emotions and, for some children, through behaviors.

In providing psychological treatment for adopted children for over 13 years, I have seen an alarming number of later adopted children who are bringing alcohol related behaviors into their new loving families. Why would new adoptive parents be concerned with this, as their homes are not fraught with alcohol? Because of what lies beneath. "This is the first professional conference I have attended where I attended every session. Information and understanding obtained has made a huge difference in my life. Thanks for all of your hard work!" In America the skyrocketing use of drugs and alcohol has been targeted as the primary factor in the increase in children placed in out-of-home care according to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse. Is this the same as in Russia?

In Russia, the average man drinks about four gallons of pure alcohol a year, or about a pint of vodka every other day, nearly twice what Americans drink. Excessive drinking has become the leading cause of death in Russia. The life style includes alcohol. A Russian woman once told me, "you would be suspected of being KGB if you do not drink." Social custom is a major contributing factor to alcoholism, as drinking has no negative connotations at any age or at any social standing. Are you saying to yourself that doesn't mean my child's birthparents were alcoholic? Or, this doesn't pertain to me; my child was institutionalized at birth! No, it doesn't mean that we know your child's birthparents drank or that there was alcoholism in the family but what if it does? Are you willing to take that risk on behalf of your child when simple life interventions can be done? Every child in America is at risk for alcoholism. Research indicates that 26% of 8th graders reported drinking alcohol during the past month, 40% of 10th graders and 51% of 12th graders! All kids are at very high risk and their genetics play a role in their level of risk. Many studies of twins and adoptees have clearly found and demonstrated that genetic factors influence an individual's vulnerability to alcoholism. Children of alcoholics are significantly more likely than children of non-alcoholics to initiate drinking during adolescence and to develop alcoholism. There isn't a genetic marker or anything that is measurable as yet but every study indicates there is a connection. Through family, twin and adoption studies most researchers agree that genetic factors play some part in the inheritability of alcohol problems. No conclusive evidence has been found to explain precisely what is inherited or the overall importance of this inherited material. Most think it is likely numerous genes, as opposed to one; but we do know, for a fact, that biology plays a part.

The level of influence of the environment vs. genetics has not yet been determined, but we know when mixed it can be lethal. This has major implications for children adopted

from Russia, just as it does for children adopted from American families. For example "sons of alcoholics were more likely to be alcoholic than were sons of non-alcoholics, whether they were raised by their biological parents or by non-alcoholic adoptive parents." In the same study, the information on daughters of alcoholics was ambiguous, so more detailed analysis was completed and found that there was a correspondence between alcoholism in the biological mothers and alcoholism in the adopted daughters. I would like to make it clear those studies using adoptees is strictly to make the genetic connection. They were not used because of any notion that adoptees are prone to be alcoholics just because they are adopted! Nor am I saying that the presence or absence of a genetic factor either ensures or protects against drug dependency. But what I am saying is that there is a connection not just genetically, but emotionally. How does this happen emotionally? Well, it can be found in every developmental stage an adopted child moves through. As examples:

· Between the ages of 3 to 7 your child learns about being the chosen baby. They learn the story and how to tell others about it. Simply talking about choosing a baby brings the feeling of the birth family into your home, if not in your mind at least in your child's mind.

· During the 7 to 9 era, your child begins to understand that to be adopted by this family there has to be another set of parents that has been lost. Often, the child begins to realize that their view and their parent's views of adoption are different but not yet expressed... Such as: adoption is a happy experience for the parents, full of family dreams and hopes; but the child sees adoption as a loss that happened in order to be adopted. The birth family is there; that other set of parents are in your home.

· Those wonderful 9 to 12 years are likely to be a time when an adoptee will "go underground" about adoption. The questions stop and there is no talk about adoption. This is a private time of feeling the loss. There may be some fantasizing about who the birth family is and what traits might be shared with them. Fantasies can be negative if there is little information shared with the adoptee. This can result in their self-view as a "throwaway" or feeling "cheated." Or it might be a time of wild fantasies and wishes like movie star birth parents!

· During those growth years between the ages of 12 to 18 life is pretty tough, and adding adoption complicates it further with feelings of confusion about ones identity. Who am I? How did I get here? What will my future be?

Each one of us likely asked each of those questions during this phase in our lives, but an adoptee can't look around to get the answers. Family histories are not easily accessed; not like in a biological family where answers to questions are absorbed even before the need arises to ask the question such as "What did grandma die from?" "Did Uncle Joe really drink that much?" "Did Aunt Kathy have 4 or 5 kids?" "Everyone says I look like grandpa." Feelings of belonging and relatedness are taken for granted and they develop into a part of the person's identity. Shared ancestry, family resemblance, and, in some cases, even cultural heritage is denied the adopted person.

· As maturity begins, the need for information about the birth family grows. Both external life events and internal processes may trigger the desire for additional knowledge and bring to the surface the need to know one's roots. Not only do developmental stages bring the birth family into your home but events do as well. Often parents experience:

· The preschooler who sees a pregnant woman and asks questions.

· Early school age children entering school and being asked questions about heritage, baby pictures and grandparents, to name just a few incidents.

· Birthdays will bring thoughts of birthmothers. A wondering, at least, if she is thinking of them too.

· And, almost always during times of loss the birth family becomes a member of your household.

These are stories and ideas about how the birth family lives with you through your child's biology and psychology. For other children they bring the behaviors, too. It is important to remember that your child was available for adoption because of abandonment, poverty, illness, death, alcoholism, drug abuse, child abuse or neglect. These were the behaviors of their birth family. If your child lived with these behaviors, what were they exposed to?

· Was your child exposed to drug seeking and taking behaviors?

· Were they exposed to specific locations and smells that might trigger feelings and thoughts?

· Were they exposed to tastes? As abhorrent as the thought might be, have they tasted alcohol or drugs?

· Were they exposed to stealing, lying and cheating behaviors?

The process of adoption does not erase such things. Individual behavior is an inherent part of a whole, the whole being the birth family. Your child's behaviors cannot be understood apart from that relationship, as the other members of the birth family may be ever present. We must remember that each person has a job within a family structure, and that structure will work to maintain the status quo. When one member breaks away, for whatever reason, the equilibrium is disturbed. None-the-less, when moved into another system, the behaviors come along and the individual tries very hard to recreate the familiar balance, even though it doesn't fit within the new family. There is a book entitled "little blue and little yellow" by Leo Lionni. This book isn't about adoption but yet it is about relationships. It is about the effect we each have within our own community. I'm going to take liberties with the concepts of this book When a child moves into a new home through adoption, for example, the character and personality traits move with him or her. They are "little yellow." But little yellow moved into an all blue family and the blue family had blue expectations. Yellow only knows yellow coping strategies and how to handle problems the way the yellow family did, even if it was dysfunctional; after all she is a yellow family member and a survivor. However, the blue family tries very hard to turn little yellow into blue, but what they get is green. Adopted children from alcoholic birth families are green. If we look closely, they manifest the signs of a dysfunctional family system. If we take note, we will see the behaviors and characteristics that stem from the need for equilibrium in such a family system. We know that dysfunctional families give rise to "unusual" needs in an individual, and unfortunately some of these needs may be "addictive" type behaviors . We must remember that the blue family might not have a clue what is driving a relationship problem, but it could be that little green, from the yellow birth family, is manifesting alcohol or drug related coping skills and making the new family constellation look green! Unrelated to adoption, but just as important, is a study that was done in the United States that revealed a higher rate of conduct disorders in male children of alcoholics than in male children of non-alcoholics. This same study revealed that men who become alcoholics have a childhood history of hyperactivity or conduct problems. A comparative study of women, completed some ten years later, women in treatment for alcoholism were found to be significantly more likely than non-alcoholic women to have had a history of emotional or behavioral disorders in early life. These are risk factors for all our children. Add the rocky beginnings of hyperactivity or behavior or emotional problems, the risk increases. Add adoption issues and the risks increase even more. As a caution we must note that some of the personality traits or dispositions that are common in children who have become addicted later in life are:

· Difficulty with impulse control

· Low self-esteem

· Difficulty coping with stress (especially problems in frustration tolerance)

· Self-centeredness with manipulative and demanding behaviors

· A drive for power and control for those who feel powerless

· Antisocial behaviors, and

· Sex-role conflicts.

Researchers have found:

· Impulsive, restless and distractible 3 year olds seem to be twice as likely as those who are "inhibited" or "well-adjusted" to be diagnosed with alcohol dependence at age 21.

· Aggressiveness in children as young as ages 5-10 has been found to predict alcohol or other drug use in adolescence.

· Childhood antisocial behavior is associated with alcohol-related problems in adolescence, and alcohol abuse or dependence in adulthood.

· 6 to 17 year old boys with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, who were also found to have weak social relationships, had significantly higher rates of alcohol abuse and dependence four years later when compared with ADHD boys without social deficiencies, and also to boys without ADHD.

· In a study of college freshmen, alcohol abuse or dependence was twice as likely among those with anxiety disorders as those without the disorder. The same study yielded that alcoholism is four times as likely in kids with major depression the depression came first.

· Children who have been abused or experienced other traumas are at increased risk for alcohol problems.

· Adolescents in treatment for alcohol abuse reported higher rates of past physical abuse, sexual abuse, violent victimization and witnessing violence when compared to kids who have no problems with alcohol.

None of the above requires that you be adopted, they do require you are reared in the USA. There is a side note for every adopted child they begin with a risk! Just as any of us may begin life with a risk for cancer or multiple other illnesses within our family of origin. We must take heed and remember that a parent's drinking behavior and attitudes about drinking have been positively associated with a teen's initiating drinking. Early initiation of drinking has been identified as an important risk factor for later alcohol related problems. Children who are warned about alcohol by their parents, and children who reported being closer to their parents, are less likely to start drinking! Person-environment interactions help shape patterns of abuse or non-abuse. Parental relationships influence the socialization process. How kids behave with their peers and other reference groups come from you! The parent! Parents are the role models. You are the imitation of life for young children. How you cope, how you handle stress, how you use alcohol, how you view yourself within the family and your community are all relevant to your child's development of their alcohol and drug attitude.