Reunion: Making First Contact

I have recently started a search for my biological family. The search is close to an end which means it will soon be time to contact her. I would like to know the best way to contact her and what exactly should be said... how should I approach her?
Angela

Dear Angela,

Ah! That greatly anticipated first contact... the call you want to make but probably are scared to death to dial... been there, done that.

for California

Some people want to make the initial call themselves. However, having facilitated many reunions, I usually recommend a person have a third party do it. Keep in mind that the person searching is always much more prepared for reunion than the one being sought. It can be quite a shock, to say the least. A neutral party can do a lot to pave the way.

Some words of warning: do not freak and think it is all over if she initially refuses contact. I know of several bmoms who initially denied contact and then changed their minds. (Personally I think it is an atrocity to refuse contact and abhor people who do, but I won't get into that right now.)

My 'personal' reunion tips:

First do not ask demanding questions about your paternity too quickly. Who knows what that situation may have been, and I strongly believe fear of having to face that issue is what aborts some reunions. I am NOT saying you do not have the right to have this information, just be patient. Patience is not about waiting with hands folded. It's about listening attentively and practicing thoroughness and care. Patience is about waiting for the results of hard work and hoping for it to pay off. Patience always pays off, even if not in the ways in which you expected.

Remember that you bear the brunt of accountability for how this relationship goes. Of course there are circumstances over which you may have little or no control which may have bearing on your situation, but generally you are the one who has made life as it is for you. Accepting and dealing with this reality will take you much further in life than to point fingers. Blame is irrelevant. Learning and moving forward are better. Blame only makes the future more difficult to handle, because it shuts down the opportunity to learn from an experience and strains relationships.
Reunions are kind of like courtships. They have to have time to grow. Once in a while they are just 'love at first sight' but more often than not they need time and lots of unconditional love to persevere.

Never assume... communicate.

Dreams may come true but fairy tales don't.
I do not mean this to sound negative. Reunion can be and often is a beautiful experience. I guess what I am trying to suggest it that you try to make it more than a whirlwind romance - make it last a lifetime. Be patient, understanding and, by all means, enjoy.

Best wishes,
Lezli

Lezli Adams
AskBmom
found daughter Julie on 3/18/1999
born 10/10/1968 in Ohio
adopted in Indiana now in Texas
Leave no stone unturned.