Jealous of a New Baby

Taken from Growing Concerns -- A parenting question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question: My three-year-old son was a pretty easy child until our second baby was born 14 months ago. Since then our older son has been very jealous of the baby and, in the last two months, has become increasingly aggressive toward him. I know his jealous feelings are not unusual, but why is the situation getting worse instead of better?

Answer: You're right that your son's jealous feelings are not unusual. He was two when he first had to share you with his little brother--too young to understand why this new baby was taking his place. (It's hard to imagine what that must feel like, but maybe it's similar to how we'd feel if our spouse brought home a new partner and said we had to share!) As parents, we'd like to think that we can just help our child learn to accept and love the new baby, but it's not that easy. In fact, the increase in aggressiveness that you're seeing is not unusual either. At 14 months, your younger child is learning many new skills, becoming more mobile, exploring the world around him and probably learning to talk. This may pose a renewed threat to your older son as little brother infringes on his turf more and more. Now he not only has to share you, but he probably has to share his play space, his toys and other possessions too. I remember that the sibling rivalry between my own two kids was at its peak when my daughter was first allowed to play out in the neighborhood, moving into the territory that previously had been her big brother's.

Although there is no cure for jealousy between siblings, here are a few ideas that you might find helpful.

Try setting aside special times for just you and your older son to do things together. He needs to know that you still love him just as much as before and that he deserves your full attention just as his brother does.

Teach your son words to manage his feelings. For example, you might say, "You'd like to have your toys all to yourself, wouldn't you? It's hard to share." This lets him know that you recognize his wishes and it helps him learn to name what he's feeling.

Catch him being gentle with his little brother. Watch for signs of helpfulness, affection and willingness to share, and let him know how proud you are of his kind behavior.

Teach him some positive ways that he can use his power and size with his little brother. Can he help give him a stroller ride? Can he help to feed him? Can he show him how to build a tall tower with blocks?

In general, help your three-year-old begin to learn how important a big brother can be. But know that this is not an easy lesson or one that happens smoothly. Over the years there are bound to be ups and downs in the boys' relationship, no matter how hard you try to help them get along. Good luck ... and hang in there!

Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.