Sibling Rivalry - Part 3

This is the third in a series of articles about sibling rivalry. The special issues of sibling rivalry within adoptive families will also be addressed. This month's column will highlight specific activities, techniques and ways of communicating with your children that help reduce sibling rivalry.

In my work with adoptive parents, I emphasize the importance of taking a significant amount of time to help the existing child/ren prepare for a new child's entry into the family. Everyone adjusts better to change when we approach the new situation with clear expectations. Be concrete with your children. That means talk in practical terms about how things will be. Remember, children are egocentric, they see themselves as the center of the universe and will need your help to prepare to share "center stage" with a sib. The following suggestions are offered to help your child understand that the addition of a new sib will not devalue him/her in any way.

Help your child understand that some things will change and others will not.

Teach your child that he will be valued and special exactly as he is now.

Assure him again and again that your love for him will never change.

Use examples, talk about other families in which a new child has recently been added.

Preparing your child by helping him understand the role of the older child will also reduce sibling rivalry. When children can picture themselves in important new roles, their concerns about displacement are reduced.

When the family is anticipating the arrival of a new baby or a second, younger child, parents can begin to talk with the existing child about how important his help will be in caring for the new baby/child.

Give examples of being mommy's helper; feeding and holding the new child, teaching him things that he has known for a long time, taking him on walks, etc.

Help him feel important.

Prepare your child by teaching him about double dip feelings. Each of us experiences this double dipping. Double dip feelings occur when we have very different kinds of feelings, about the very same person or event. One family shared a story of the arrival of their second child from another country. The whole family went to the airport several times anticipating the newest member's arrival, but for some reason the child was either not on that plane or the plane was delayed several days or some such thing. Much to the parent's surprise and delight, their first child appeared absolutely jubilant after these airport excursions. What they later learned from grandma was that their son was so delighted because each time he thought the new child had arrived and then gotten on another plane to go to a different family!

Help your child understand that it is perfectly normal to love his new little brother one minute and wish he went back to the hospital or the foster family or the airplane the next.

Remember that examples help children understand our words on a deeper level. Use examples from your family or church or neighborhood or community.

Talk about how Johnny sometimes has a hard time since his new sister came. Explain that's because sometimes Johnny wants to do big boy things now, just like he did before his sister came, but sometimes he wants to be baby.

Talk about how sometimes Johnny feels loving and protective, like the big brother, but sometimes he feels jealous.

Emphasize that that's normal and ok and he can come and tell you about his feelings and you will take him in your lap and listen and not get mad. Next month's article will offer other ways to reduce sibling rivalries. A bibliography will also be included.