Sibling Rivalry - Part 4

This is the fourth in a series of articles on sibling rivalry. Previous articles in this series described the nature of sibling rivalry. Feelings that fuel the behaviors which often emerge when children fight for their parents' love and attention were also discussed. The previous article highlighted specific activities, techniques and ways of communicating with your children that reduce sibling rivalry. This month's column offers more ways to enhance sibling relationships. A bibliography is included.

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Parents can reduce potential rivalries by carefully considering the age of the child and the best times to add a child to the family.

o When possible, try to avoid having more than one child needing the same kind of care and attention at one time.
o Recognize the implications of adding an infant to the family when the older child is still very young. Realize that the first child does not yet have the capacity to understand the parents' explanations with respect to the efforts needed for the care of the new baby. A child who is still too young will not be able to understand and respond to the new baby's arrival in a reasoned manner. Rather, the first child will tend to respond in a purely emotionally negative manner.

Parents can reduce rivalry by giving each child their protected turf.

o All family members need a special place of their own.
o Allowing the older child "his space" demonstrates your respect and interest in his feelings.

Parents can build empathy by talking about feelings and teaching and modeling the steps involved in conflict resolution. Validate and normalize your children's feelings.

o When an incident happens, validate your child's feelings. For example, someone's toy gets broken.
o Do not deny your child's feeling statement by saying, "You don't hate your sister." Instead, normalize feelings by teaching your child that the feelings they are having are normal. Use examples.
o When a child says, "I hate you, I hate you," a validating response would be, "It looks like you are feeling very angry now and I don't blame you. Your favorite truck is broken and you didn't do it. I bet you are plenty mad."
o Use everyday events to point out situations in which people have different feelings and work out their differences.
o Use TV, movies, books and everyday life as examples.

Parents can enhance positive interactions by planning frequent family activities with all of their children.

o Try all kinds of team-building activities. Some examples might include simple board games, baking as a family, family outings, jigsaw puzzles, or growing a children's garden.
o Avoid games and contests in which one of the children "wins" and the others "lose."
o Look for activities and hobbies in which everyone "wins" if they cooperate with one another.

Above all, parents need to spend time with each one of the children. Maintaining special connections with each child is essential.

o Schedule regular dates and/or one-on-one time.

Adult Reading List

Brothers and Sisters: Developmental, Dynamic, and Technical Aspects of the Sibling Relationship, by Salman Akhtar and Selma Kramer. Jason Aronson, 1999.

Loving Each One Best: A Caring and Practical Approach to Raising Siblings, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazish. Bantam Books, 1998. Preventing Sibling Rivalry: 6 Strategies to Build a Jealousy Free Home, by Sybil Hart. Free Press, 2001.

Sibling Rivalry: Healthy Options For Managing Your Children's Conflicts (Audio), by James Micheli. Love and Logic Institute, 2000. Sibling Rivalry: Relationship Disorders Between Brothers and Sisters, by Anne Holmes. Chelsea House, 1999.

Sibling Rivalry: The Truth About the Family Favorite, by Vera Ravi-Azoory. Barricade Books, 1998.

Siblings Without Rivalry: How To Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, by Adele Faser and Elaine Mazush. William Morrow & Co. Sisters and Brothers Forever, by H. Norman Light. Gospel Light Publications, 2000.

Children's Reading List

Sibling Rivalry: Two Sides to Every Story (Audio). Focus on the Family Publishing (for children 6-12).

Oh Brother, Oh Sister: A Sister's Guide to Getting Along, by Brooks Whitney. American Girl Library Series. Pleasant Company Publications, 1999.

Emma's Yucky Brother, by Jean Little.

Seeds of Love: For Brother and Sisters of International Adoption, by Mary Ebejer.

Pain and the Great One, by Judy Blume. Iris and Walter and Baby Rose (Guest, Elissa Haden. Iris and Walter, Bk.3), by Elissa Ha.