Treena Tims Finds Single Parenting a Balance of Dependence and Independence

For Treena Tims, the task of raising two small children as a single mom is a constant struggle between dependence and independence. She never has enough time or energy to do all she thinks needs to be done to raise her children, ages 2 and 6. But she doesn't want to rely too much on help from others either. Treena knows she can't go it alone, so she's struck a balance of asking for help from her mother and from the fathers of her two children when she or her kids need help.

Click here to be
helped in California! Pregnant? Click Here

Treena and the father of her six-year-old daughter were married when Treena was 21. "Our expectations weren't thought out real well," she says. After a challenging pregnancy that caused Treena to go on and off of bed rest, her daughter, DeLisa, was born six weeks early. She was a cranky, colicky baby - not sleeping through the night until she was three years old. Even Treena's mom, who cared occasionally for DeLisa while Treena worked at a local life insurance company, thought there was something "wrong" with the baby. Meanwhile Treena worked days, and her husband worked nights. Eventually, all the stresses became too much for the family, and the young parents split up.

That was five years ago. Since then, a lot of healing has occurred, and both parents are in new relationships. Despite the difficulties they've experienced in their relationship, both are committed to working together for DeLisa's well-being.

So, when DeLisa has a school event, and Treena can't make it, she doesn't hesitate to call DeLisa's father...or her own mom. "DeLisa expects people to be there," says Treena. DeLisa's grandmother and dad have also made sure that she gets to her piano and karate lessons, and her choir rehearsals.

Although this kind of cooperation is terrific for DeLisa, as many separated parents know, raising kids becomes even trickier when they don't live together. Even a commitment to work together as parents doesn't mean that Treena and her ex-husband agree on every aspect of raising DeLisa.

Although Treena and her ex-husband work together to be as consistent as possible, finding a balance is tough. DeLisa spends the weekend going special places with her Dad, and she finds the transition to living the more routine life with her mom to be difficult. Her dad is strict and wants things done when he tells her to do them, says Treena. "Sometimes I'm too easy on the kids, because they've been through so much," says Treena. "Her dad says you don't have to explain things to DeLisa. I think she does need an explanation."

When DeLisa comes back from a weekend with her dad and his new wife, it takes sometimes several days to get DeLisa back into Treena's routine and used to her parenting style. The transitions from one household to another occasionally result in outbursts and tantrums from DeLisa that are difficult for Treena to control. One of the ways Treena has coped with this issue has been to share her parenting experiences and concerns in a "Parent-to-Parent" program sponsored by her employer, Head Start, and Parents Anonymous. Although Treena is sometimes the facilitator of the parent-led meetings, she says it helps for her to share and get feedback. "It lets the participants know that even though I work in this field, I don't have all the answers," she says.

In addition to the challenges of sharing parenting with a father who is not in the home, sometimes Treena feels guilty. "I don't do enough for Delisa one-on-one" says Treena. Delisa's little brother, Royce, who is 2, demands a lot of attention and his needs are often more immediate. "How do you fit it all into one day?" asks Treena, who also works with young children in her job as a parent liaison with Head Start.

In addition to "no time," Treena and her young family face other challenges. Her job provides limited income, and due to the fact that Head Start operates only when school is in session, Treena can't work at her regular job during the summer. And child support from her son's father is sporadic.

"Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it," says Treena as she describes piecing together her monthly budget and trying to cover child care expenses. But she quickly puts that thought aside when she considers how far she and her kids have come.

All in all, Treena is balancing the tension between dependence and independence well, and as a result, her kids have more protective factors and support than they would have if she didn't welcome the help from other family members.