Diary of a Birth Mom

Why can't God and I just have lunch?

17-Jan-2000

I found out Jan. 2 I'm pregnant and was shocked. I moved into Gladney where I've decided to live. I pray for self-forgiveness for what I'm about to do. I moved in today having made the agonizing decision to give you up for adoption. I picked up my four-year medallion the other day at my AA meeting. My sister decided not to raise you after I asked her initially. My friend Jan and my boss think I should raise you. My friend Sheryl says all this will bring me closer to God. Why can't God and I just have lunch?

18-Jan-2000

I had dorm orientation tonight. Andrea in Admissions gave me a sweet card. I got to talk to the doctor. Tomorrow I meet the Transitional Care staff person and move my furniture to storage. I found out they give you 48 hours after birth to change your mind. I wish they didn't because I'm afraid I will. I crave bread a lot.

19-Jan-2000

My furniture got moved. I got to have a counseling session. Tomorrow I see the doctor for the first time. We got two new girls in. One looks like a model. I thought about writing my dad. I wonder what he'd say about you.

20-Jan-2000

I gained 40 pounds. Now I'm 186 pounds. I saw the doctor today. I'm due Aug. 2. I had a good day at work and did a couple of photo shoots. I haven't gotten the nerve to read "What To Expect When You're Expecting." The doctor said I could take one of my medications while pregnant. I found out I'm about 12 weeks along.

22-Jan-2000

Your birth father has been sweet all day. He says pregnant women are sexy. I don't get it. I'm huge. I saw a kid celebrate a birthday last night and thought "I won't be there for that." I couldn't look at a baby commercial. One of the girls, age 15, had her baby. Another came back after having a C-section. We had three births this week.

23-Jan-2000

My suitemate and I had a good talk. She's in Narcotics Anonymous and lives in Louisiana. The father of her baby also lives there but they can't locate him right now. Tomorrow I see the doctor. I slept too much today. A friend of mine's going to take care of my dog. I'm worried about labor.

24-Jan-2000

I went to the doctor and tomorrow I meet with the insurance lady. I looked at profiles of transitional care parents and saw a 15-year-old have a nursery visit with her baby for the first time. I can't imagine being that young and having this decision before me. It's hard enough at 33.

25-Jan-2000

We had a dorm meeting tonight. I felt out of place. I'm the oldest one here. My suite mate and I are the only "old" ones here. She's 28. Your birth father, Jon, made me dinner. I met with the insurance lady. My boss is being nice. She and a co-worker offered to give me baby clothes. I came up with a bunch of baby names; more girls' names than boys.'

31-Jan-2000

I heard your heartbeat for the first time today! I got examined and got my prenatal vitamins. At first the doctor couldn't find your heartbeat and it scared me. I've gotten to be good friends with another girl here. A 16-year-old changed her mind. I dreamed I met a woman with 11 kids. Next month I'll find out your sex. Hearing your heartbeat made it seem real, really real. One resident said she might let her aunt adopt her baby. Another girl's due Friday. The 16-year-old came back after delivery and was walking funny because of soreness. It made me wince.

02-Feb-2000

I'm excited to work on the scrapbook for you! My suite mate's making hers kid friendly. My stomach's feeling tighter. A friend of mine advised me to use cocoa butter everywhere to prevent stretch marks. I start prenatal classes in June. They throw birth moms a placement party here whenever they place.

06-Feb-2000

My belly hurts all the time now. My niece is due in June, her first also. We got another new resident.

07-Feb-2000

Another girl went into labor at 3 a.m. and had a baby girl. I got the scrapbook for you!

13-Feb-2000

I had such a powerful craving for pizza tonight but I resisted. I talked to my AA sponsor. I got to see my dog yesterday. It's hard to leave him. I'm seeing him again tomorrow. I got a box of maternity clothes from my sister, your Aunt Cindy.

20-Feb-2000

My suite mate had a 3 lb., 10 oz. girl. She's on a respirator. She was two months premature. I'm anxious to pick out my APs. I'm getting attached to you but haven't changed my mind, though I wish things could be different.

21-Feb-2000

I'm in a depression again about the adoption. I dreamed last night I found a family after going through a bunch of profiles. I saw my AA sponsor tonight. They took my suite mate's baby off the ventilator and she's doing better.

22-Feb-2000

I took my suite mate to see her baby. She's down to just an IV now and is starting to suck. I could watch her all day. She's so cute when she raises her eyebrows and stretches her legs. She lay on her stomach. She's got good color now. I wondered what you would look like. I'd love to give you the world.

24-Feb-2000

I saw the doctor and got to listen to your heartbeat again. In four days I find out your sex. I'm so excited! I got sad later and talked to my caseworker.

28-Feb-2000

The ultrasound today showed you might be a girl although I'll have another one at 32 weeks. I'm 17 weeks now. I got the sonograms on a disk and emailed everyone about your sex. They said everything looks normal and is intact. You were kicking your foot and had one hand in a fist at your side and the other one over your head, doing a little dance. They said you're getting all the nutrients you need.

01-Mar-2000

We had the birth parent panel last night. It was emotionally draining but good. I feel like I'm abandoning you, though.

02-Mar-2000

They're going to give all of us a copy of the video from the birth parent panel. My suite mate's adoptive parents renamed the baby. I feel protective of you. I'm sending the video to my mom and sister. I was imagining what you would look like. My sponsor thinks I might change my mind. Another girl and I couldn't sleep so we had biscuits at 4 a.m. I get up about four times during the night to eat. I feel like you are changing me for the better.

06-Mar-2000

If one more person asks me why I'm placing you for adoption, I'm going to choke them! I went to a meeting and that helped.

07-Mar-2000

I volunteered to be interviewed by The Washington Times and have my picture taken. I've been thinking about what I should say or not say.

09-Mar-2000

I've been depressed today about the adoption. I can't pick out APs till May. A resident and I are working on a newsletter for Gladney. I'm going to do a profile book for your APs. I talked to my mom last night.

01-Apr-2000

Yesterday I turned 34. They made me two cakes and decorated my door. A resident's baby was born on my birthday. Another girl's at the hospital now. I start a two-day temporary job Monday where I used to work. My sister may come for your delivery. I'm five months pregnant as of today. A friend of mine took me out for coffee last night. Today a friend of mine celebrated seven years in AA. I did the first Gladney newsletter for 2000. The other resident's artwork was great. We have five more babies due this month.

04-Apr-2000

A birth mother came to see us today who placed her baby five years ago. She said the first year's the hardest. Another baby was born yesterday.

05-Apr-2000

A resident's boyfriend pressured her into keeping the baby. They're taking her home tomorrow. I had night sweats and chills all night. Two other girls are talking about keeping their babies now. Another girl's upset about it. My caseworker's going to say something. I feel okay about the adoption now. Finally. I keep having nightmares that something's wrong with you but they say that's normal.

06-Apr-2000

The resident who changed her mind took her baby home today. I thought about them all day. I saw my counselor. I still haven't felt you move.

07-Apr-2000

Another resident left after placing her baby today. I didn't get to see my cat tonight but will tomorrow. I saw an adoptive couple today with their new baby and got depressed then mad. I started to call my counselor but didn't.

08-Apr-2000

I don't know if this pregnancy is making me stronger but I'm standing up to people. I wish I'd feel you move. Still nothing.

10-Apr-2000

My hormones are crazy. I'm beginning to feel what I think is movement. I got a job with one of the residents. I start tomorrow.

12-Apr-2000

Another resident decided to keep her baby and is leaving this weekend. I started my new job today. It was boring but I'm grateful. The resident who I'm working with is my boss. She talked openly about her adoption decision at work, which surprised me. She said no one should ask me why I'm choosing adoption but I'm afraid they will. I miss writing, creating. I'm getting a new suite mate Friday. She's 29.

13-Apr-2000

The resident who changed her mind left on a bus this morning. She's due May 10th. Another resident went into labor and another one came home. Another girl decided to keep her baby. She's leaving in a few weeks. Tomorrow I get a new suite mate. I found some writing jobs but they're in Dallas. I'm taking off tomorrow. I saw my counselor today.

15-Apr-2000

I got a new suite mate. This is her second baby she's placed for adoption. She was here in '91. She said back then you could pick the family but not meet them.

18-Apr-2000

I cried till 3 a.m. about everything - Jon, being pregnant, my last two jobs, AA, God, the adoption, the girls at work still criticizing me about the adoption. Another resident had her baby. Three girls are leaving Friday.

20-Apr-2000

I talked to Jon tonight. I saw the doctor today. I'm 24 weeks along. Your heartbeat's strong. I only gained three pounds. I saw my counselor today. They're inducing a resident at 5 a.m. tomorrow. I go back to the doctor in a month for a glucose test. I saw an adoptive mom and her little girl today and it made me feel good about my decision. Two more girls are leaving tomorrow.

27-Apr-2000

Another girl decided to keep her babies and left. Three more girls are leaving tomorrow but they placed their babies. Another girl's supposed to leave today after placing yesterday. I dreamed about her baby.

03-May-2000

We had group today and I showed my collage of who I am. Self Magazine's here doing a story.

07-May-2000

We went to dinner with an AP mom. She's adopted two kids. I can't reconcile what I'm doing with what my mom did to me, which was to place me in several homes during my life. I talked to her tonight but not about anything, really. I'm almost done with your scrapbook. That kind of makes me sad. I want to see what you look like. I wonder what you're thinking.

08-May-2000

I finally started on a Gladney novel about my experience. I was up till midnight cleaning. One of the house parents is going to my placement with me at a playground I found. You did a big karate kick the other night. It was cool! I'm going tonight to find a baby gift. I want to get two bracelets - one for me and one for you so one day if we're reunited we'll each have one.

10-May-2000

We had group today. The Self Magazine reporter called back and finished interviewing me.

11-May-2000

I finally cried in therapy about my grief with the adoption. Mother's Day's in three days. I started to see I'm not like my mom. My counselor wants me to list ways I'm different than her. Mom called tonight and wanted to talk to my doctor. I was shocked. I got an extra temporary job at the greenhouse for five days. I wrote my adoption story for a resident and one of the administrators here. A friend of mine said she couldn't go to my placement so I'm going to ask my sponsor and another friend.

14-May-2000

Today's Mother's Day. We got taken out by some APs for dinner. I liked them. But they don't plan on adopting any more since they already did. I was sad most of the day. We got flowers. I talked to my mom. My step dad wants to come for the delivery, which totally surprised me. The Times article came out today on Gladney.

19-May-2000

I went back to the doctor today and got a glucose test.

06-Jun-2000

A resident had her baby and decided to keep it. She left last night. She said looking at her baby for the first time was like falling in love. Another girl left after deciding to keep her baby and another resident almost changed her mind and left. My suite mate had her baby. My boss was in labor last night. I start full-time tomorrow just for the month of June. I get another sonogram the 19th. Tonight my best friend and I start prenatals. She's going to be my labor coach along with the CBC. My niece had her baby, a boy.

11-Jun-2000

We had a new girl come in Friday and give birth today. I picked your adoptive family. My boss had her baby. I talked to your APs for the first time Thursday night for almost an hour. They only live two hours away, are in their late 30s, and have a 2 1/2 year old little boy.

14-Jun-2000

I wrote out some one-line answers regarding adoption questions as people ask me so I can better prepare myself.

16-Jun-2000

I made up a list of good childhood memories to give to my AP mom for you to read one day. Things like making my footprints in the driveway, eating honeysuckles and muskey dimes, and my sister's spookhouse.

17-Jun-2000

I met your APs for the first time last night! I gave them my profile book, the frame, and pin. They gave me a gift and two cards. Your AP mom's taking me to my sonogram Monday. Their little boy's talking about being a big brother and helping his mom with diapers and reading to you.

18-Jun-2000

Another resident signed papers today. Your AP mom called. She's taking me to my sonogram in the morning. I'm moving my cat tomorrow. Family and friends keep asking if I'm still going through with it.

20-Jun-2000

I've realized why I may have gotten pregnant. Maybe it's to give me something to live for since I never had anything to live for, or to give a gift of myself, to realize I have something valuable to give that something that came from me can be good. My sister emailed me that she didn't think she could deal with baby pictures and an update only.

24-Jun-2000

My sister's coming July 28th for the weekend. Another girl had her baby yesterday. Your APs named you McKenna Hope. They sent me three emails yesterday. I told my sister I probably wouldn't go into labor when she comes.

25-Jun-2000

Thinking about you. Another resident signed papers today. She spent two hours with her baby and will get to see her two more days then that's it. I keep reading to you. They say at this stage you can hear my voice. I know when it's over I'll wish you were still inside me.

05-Jul-2000

I see your APs again Friday and meet their son for the first time. I saw my counselor today. I'm back to part-time. My sister sent me a book and card. I'm eight months along now.

06-Jul-2000

I dreamed a bunch of my friends crashed a dinner with my APs and me. I'm afraid they've unmatched with me. Another girl got her APs and showed me their profile. I liked them. The closer the placement gets, the sadder I get.

09-Jul-2000

Your APs gave me a wallpaper sample of your nursery. It's dancing teddy bears. I met their little boy. They're excellent parents. They also gave me a card and some gifts. My best friend had me over for lunch, dinner, and a movie. We went to see Shakespeare in the Park last night but left at intermission because everyone was uncomfortable. My caseworker drew up my hospital plan. We're doing the nursery visit and placement plan this week.

10-Jul-2000

A former resident's visiting tomorrow. I'm supposed to meet with my caseworker tomorrow to do the nursery visit and placement plans. I made a list of general life goals.

06-Aug-2000

Your due date was yesterday. My sister came for three days and left today. She felt you move and said she'd miss knowing you. She talked to you. I went back to the doctor Thursday. You're seven pounds. Your AP mom met me there again. I gave her an angel ornament for your first Christmas. My sister and I stayed at a bed and breakfast where they made us heart-shaped cookies with our names on them and brought us peach tea. It's a place for Christian couples and had a Jacuzzi. I crave oranges, limes, sherbet, toaster strudels, and apple butter. I ate a mango and it made me crave a bell pepper.

07-Aug-2000

I had contractions for the first time ever last night! But there were only two, lasting five minutes total. My mom and sister called tonight. I dreamed about you. My doctor's back from out of town, thank God! I keep telling you it's time to come out now. I hope you don't think I hate you.

11-Aug-2000

I'm 50 percent effaced but not dilated. Your AP mom met me at the doctor again and gave me flowers. I met with my caseworker. She says I have to start visualizing letting go of you. I can't and haven't. Another resident went to the hospital last night but nothing happened. Your head keeps moving to the bottom. Ready.

12-Aug-2000

Mom surprised me by coming in to town for three days. Your head is still down below. No contractions since Thursday. I lay awake last night imagining what you will look like. I tried to do that "letting go" thing but couldn't. We got in three new girls. I'm giving some pictures to you who I hope will like them. It's weird to be with Mom and be pregnant. I'm swollen like another girl was. I'm scared about having a delivery like hers.

13-Aug-2000

I can't sleep again. I gave my mom a dorm tour. I'm so anxious about labor. I lay awake wondering what you will look like, be like. I'm eight days late now. Mom doesn't understand a lot of the adoption stuff. I showed her the placement outfit, scrapbook, photo album, and profile of your APs.

18-Aug-2000

You were born on Aug. 15th at 2:00 p.m. You were 7 lbs., 2 oz., and 19 1/2 inches long with a full head of hair. I pushed for three hours and had an emergency C-section. Today I signed the papers and had my first nursery visit. Mom was here when I went into labor. She met your APs, my best friend, her roommate, and the doctor. He was on call when I went into labor so I was glad about that. I cried today after signing papers. I've taken a lot of pictures and your APs gave me a copy of a tape they made at the hospital. It's weird to not have you inside me. I miss you.

At first I felt detached after you were born. Your first greeter was my best friend's roommate who rocked you. You're fascinated with Barbara's face and your own hands. Your AP dad's great, very tender. He and your AP mom are so happy, it's amazing.

I want to remember your smile, your dimple in your chin, all the pictures we took, your dreams, your good nature, your cooing, feeling like you motivate me to go on, how you love to nap and stretch.

As I watch you dream, you smile. I hope it's a good dream. I tell you that your parents love you so much already and that you're going to be very happy. I tell you that I forget the pain when I look at you. When I see how happy your APs are, I don't have second thoughts. I tell you that I made sure your homemade blanket would go home with you. I think you like it. I hope you do. I never would've thought I could have something so beautiful. I tell you that your birth father kind of looks like he's smiling when he sleeps. I tell you that as long as I know you're happy that I know I'm going to be okay. I tell you I can't wait to meet you one day and that I'm excited to see what you'll become.

19-Aug-2000

One of the residents came home upset after having her baby. She had a hard time leaving her baby at the hospital. Tomorrow I have another nursery visit. I thought about you last night and all day. It's so surreal to think you're mine. I don't want to be alone. The pain's getting a little better physically. I talked to my sister and my mom.

20-Aug-2000

The nights are so hard here. I had another nursery visit today and it went a lot better. I had four people there. A friend of mine cried most of the time. Another resident had her first nursery visit today. Today the transitional moms had you in a pink ruffled dress. They sent me email pix that looked great. You were taken to your first Richard Gere movie yesterday and ate through the whole thing. You didn't cry at all. They say you're the easiest baby they've ever had. Your appetite's getting better. I miss being pregnant.

21-Aug-2000

Tomorrow I have another nursery visit. Another resident had her second one today. I've been fighting depression today. I put a picture of you next to my bed. Hopefully I can handle it. I got some more pictures developed. You look great. You're perfect. I thought about having another baby. But I'd feel too guilty about you. You'll always be "the one."

22-Aug-2000

I cried last night with a house parent then almost cried three more times. I had another nursery visit today. My last one's tomorrow. You were irritable today and I couldn't make you happy. I felt helpless. Another girl decided to keep her baby after giving birth this morning. She has nothing but I can't judge her. I should have stressed to her the importance of not being alone with the baby. I made myself sore from crying and straining my incision. A birth mom who placed six years ago is supposed to call me and I'm going to the support group next week.

24-Aug-2000

I placed you today. It was the hardest thing I've ever done or will do, I think. Last night another resident and I cried together. Her placement was after mine on the same day. I'm spending the night at my best friend's to get away. I can't stop thinking about you. I wonder what you're doing right now.

25-Aug-2000

I got an email from your AP mom about you telling me how protective your brother is with you. I cried again last night and took something to sleep, reluctantly. Then I had a bunch of dreams about Jon. I'm supposed to meet the birth mom who placed six years ago tomorrow. My best friend said all this has been hard on her, too. I guess I never grieved anything. I always drank, took a pill, had sex, or ran. It's hard not to do those things now.

26-Aug-2000

Last night and this morning I thought about you but didn't cry. I didn't get much sleep, though. Tonight I'm meeting that birth mom. She helps a lot. I stayed busy last night, probably why I didn't cry.

27-Aug-2000

I have hope today at last! I met with that birth mom last night for several hours and she helped me so much. She shared her experience, strength, and hope and it was just what I needed. She told me to decide how long I wanted to be sad. She said one day that she, her daughter, and her AP mom would be best friends. She told me to let myself cry, be mad, feel it all in order to heal One of the girls is going to suggest at the dorm meeting that everyone get set up with a birth mom who's placed already like this. I could think about you last night and not cry but just see you happy.

28-Aug-2000

Today is my sister's 38th birthday. The adoption process for me has been like this: At first I felt mad at God, cheated, angry with myself and like an outsider. Then I thought maybe this happened to give me something to live for. Now I want to make you proud. I had doubts I could go through with it, that I could actually put pen to paper and sign away my rights, that I'd have the courage to place you in your AP's arms, to walk away, to not drink or self-destruct over it. I hoped it would be easy because intellectually it made sense. I hoped you were well taken care of, nurtured, and had a life totally unlike mine. Whenever I doubt my decision, I'm told to look back at this entry.

29-Aug-2000

I decided to place for adoption because of economic reasons, my instability, my emotional problems, no family support, and no two-parent, stable home.

30-Aug-2000

If I'd kept you, I'd probably be on welfare. I wouldn't have any money and I'd have to borrow money, food, and clothes, all of your necessities to get me by. I couldn't afford to go to the doctor. I wouldn't have gas money or a place to live. I couldn't afford day care or a sitter. I wouldn't have money to do laundry and I'd be on food stamps. I couldn't take you in the car because I wouldn't have money for a car seat. I couldn't keep you cool because I couldn't get my a/c turned on.

31-Aug-2000

Today I had counseling after missing three weeks. I'm fighting self-destruction. All around me I witness the courage of the other girls. I emailed Self telling them how wrong they were. I'm scared of moving out but I can't stay here forever. You were a big hit at church, your AP mom said. I put three pictures of you up in my room. You're precious, so adorable. I never want to forget you.

02-Sep-2000

I did what'll probably be my last newsletter for Gladney. It was kind of sad. Another resident had her baby and only had to push for 35 minutes. Her dad said she was okay last night but may need support later. I got depressed last night but it helped to get out and visit her. I put up a picture of your APs with you. It helps to see they're happy and know you will be, too.

18-Sep-2000

I got a roommate for the first time since I've been here. She's 31, married, and placed a child a year ago. Gladney wants to talk to me about using my journal on the website. She loved it! Another resident placed her baby today, a boy. She's so strong. She's helping her boyfriend raise his young son.

19-Sep-2000

One of the former residents who placed in June is having a hard time with the adoption and is drinking a lot. I feel empty without my daughter. I talked to my mom. She said I wasn't real verbal as a baby like my little girl and that I didn't have a bunch of hair like her.

20-Sep-2000

I wish I could hold my little girl for just a minute, even a day though I know as soon as she got fussy I'd panic and look for her AP mom to take her. I'm moving out in nine days, back out on my own. I'm so excited! Hopefully they'll let me volunteer. I'd love to give back everything that has been given to me freely. I pray I won't put my body in danger again. There's so much I want to be and do.

21-Sep-2000

I've got two job offers but am leaning toward a magazine job. I got sad last night about my daughter and couldn't sleep. Today I got my four-week letters and pictures and a journal of my little girl, plus the placement tape. I sent a picture and copies of the letters to my mom and sister.

26-Sep-2000

I've gotten into another relationship. I went to my monthly birthmom support group and it helped. I wish it met more often, though. A friend of mine told me I had it made because I got to come to Gladney. I emailed my little girl a card and got one from my AP mom. I start a new job tomorrow. I didn't get the job at the magazine. Another resident had her baby during the Olympics, a boy. She was in the army before she came to Gladney.

28-Sep-2000

I had counseling today. My AP mom suggested that she, my daughter, and I get together twice a year when she's a little older and go shopping and out to eat! I was blown away! She got my journal, pix, and letters. She said she cried. I've been moving stuff into my new place all day.

29-Sep-2000

I was remembering some childhood and adult memories: running through sprinklers, the smell of freshly cut grass, watching old "David Letterman" shows in the 80s, how I started cracking my knuckles, good movies, going through codependency treatment, feeling like I couldn't please my mom, dying to please Dad, the '94 Winter Olympics, the way my ex-husband used to look at me, the safety of my sister, blowing Dandelions with my best friend, Kristina.

29-Sep-2000

I was thinking about my dad. I don't remember when I stopped loving him and when I started hating my mom. I don't hate her now. Having the baby brought us closer together, miraculously. Suddenly I understood the love a mom feels, which I'd always heard about. I don't remember a time when my sister and I weren't close. She practically raised me from the time I was 8 after the divorce. I don't remember ever having a healthy relationship. I envy one the resident who gets to help her boyfriend raise his son. The girl who had her son during the Olympics is so strong. I wish I could be like her. People tell me I'm strong but I don't think so.

02-Oct-2000

I want to be free, to not be angry or sullen. I want to be a success. My daughter makes me want to be a better person. I want to be peaceful, to be a good mom, to have a house, to play more, to be financially secure, to give more, to not keep score, to not be sad, to be focused, to take care of myself.

05-Oct-2000

I don't want any more chaos in my life. I don't want to have to run or to be broke or live a lie. I don't want to lose any more jobs or to be in danger. I don't want to lose my home or my daughter. Most of all I don't want to lose faith or give up hope. I don't want to lose touch with my AP mom. I don't want to be promiscuous any more or hurt myself and others any more.

06-Oct-2000

I feel good but uncertain about my relationship. I feel like a bad mom. I feel sorry for my daughter's birth father but not enough to get back with him. That'd be crazy and really like a slap in my daughter's face after he abandoned us. I feel relieved I moved. I feel sorry for one of the residents who has placed two children for adoption. She's only 20. I feel rich spiritually, faithful, lucky, like celebrating.

07-Oct-2000

I haven't been feeling much these days. But I'm not afraid and I don't feel like rocking the boat. I don't feel like living in reality or like being myself. But I don't want to run and I don't feel like things are so bad. I don't feel like God's with me but I don't feel hopeless, either.

08-Oct-2000

I saw an old friend last night and she asked me if the adoption was hard. I told her yes. She's raised her ten-year-old daughter on her own for the most part but she's always had her family to help her out.

14-Oct-2000

I lied to two people at work and told them I had custody of my daughter when they asked if I had kids. It was just easier. I'm still grieving. What drives me is my passion for writing and my little girl. What drives my best friend, who has raised her 17-year-old daughter all on her own, is her passion for life.

15-Nov-2000

My daughter was conceived a year ago today. I joined another support group in addition to the ones I already go to. I'm so exhausted all the time now. It's just like when I was first pregnant. My little girl lost a pound. She's only 8 pounds. I'm worried about her but my AP mom says she's okay developmentally. Newsweek put out a whole issue on babies in the millennium. They said now is the best time to get pregnant, have a baby, or raise an infant.

19-Nov-2000

I'm real depressed and sad about my daughter. I got pictures and letters. A friend of mine emailed me that I should move on. I emailed her back an assertive letter. I'm sleeping a lot like when I first got pregnant. I had a good day. I had a good dream about my little girl. My heart aches to hold her.

01-Dec-2000

My little girl went to the G.I. specialist yesterday but I haven't heard anything. She's only eight pounds and won't eat much. I worry about her constantly.

02-Dec-2000

I'm kind of down. I went to a birthday party. My little girl's okay - 9 pounds, 5 1/2 ounces, thank God! I felt happy for the first time in a long time earlier tonight but now it's gone.

03-Dec-2000

My little girl's adoptive brother put Mr. Potato Head glasses on her! I feel so grateful today. I know she's happy.

09-Dec-2000

I'm working on a book proposal for my journal, written in novel format and with a lot more detail. I got depressed after buying my little girl's Christmas present - a "Little House on the Prairie" book. I joined the gym at work. Yesterday I had five years sober.

13-Dec-2000

Snowed in. I'm finally not obsessing about my daughter. Although she's on my mind, it's not the throbbing, all consuming obsession it has been. Now I just think about how happy, loved, and cared for she is. I haven't heard from my APs lately. I sent her new mom a poem for an adoptive mom and the book for my little girl.

16-Dec-2000

Tonight was my sister's dance performance in Florida. I missed my daughter today. Her new dad liked my poem about him.

23-Dec-2000

I leave for my sister's in Florida tomorrow for three days. I got my birth mom journal on my email and forwarded it to a bunch of friends for feedback. I've been wanting to drink for two days and I almost did. I don't know why. I thought I was doing okay with the adoption. But looking back over last night I realized I wanted to drink to blot out the sadness. My roommate got a promotion.

25-Dec-2000

My daughter's first Christmas. I had a cry in the bathroom while Christmas dinner was being made. My family and I went to the movies. I thought about my little girl all day. Today was harder than Thanksgiving. I thought I'd be okay. I almost drank.

26-Dec-2000

I talked to an old friend in Florida. The adoptive mom sent me a sweet email and said more videos and pix are to come. Noone in my family wants to see the Placement video or look at pictures. I saw a lot of little girls today and imagined what my daughter would be like older. I feel as tired as I was when pregnant.

27-Dec-2000

I had a fitful night. My mom and stepdad watched some of the Placement video. My sister's supposed to watch it today. I found out my uncle died the day my daughter was born.

01-Jan-2001

A year ago I bought a pregnancy test. My friend and I went to a piano bar to celebrate New Year's but neither of us drank. It was fun. My sponsor gave me my five-year medallion in AA last night. My little girl has graduated out of her crib and loves to look at herself in the mirror. Quite different from me!

02-Jan-2001

A year ago I found out I was pregnant. I talked to someone tonight who placed her son in a closed adoption seven years ago and she was very bitter. She wasn't very supportive of my situation but I told her I didn't regret my choice. I thought about my daughter all day but wasn't that sad. This really feels like a real new year for the first time. Normally it doesn't.

08-Jan-2001

A birth mom I was at Gladney with called and told me that one of the public relations people from there wants to meet with me to talk about being on "The View!" Supposedly Barbara Walters read my "Self Magazine" interview and wants to get an older birth mom's view! They're doing as series on adoption. I meet with the P.R. person Wednesday. We were supposed to meet today but she had to reschedule. A friend of mine reviewed my journal and sees three potential books out of it. My best friend and I celebrated our AA birthdays together. I feel good about my daughter. It's less painful, more peaceful now. I don't regret my decision. She is happy and she thrives. She laughs and she's secure and comfortable in her home. She's well taken care of and she has no uncertainty. She has confidence in her parents. She'd have none of that if she were with me. I know this. The woman who placed in a closed adoption seven years ago tried to make me feel bad about my decision but I don't. She has two other kids she has custody of. I hung up the phone from her feeling bad last week but now I feel good, stronger about my decision, proud of my decision, thankful.

09-Jan-2001

I'm exhausted. Tomorrow's the big lunch with Paige from Gladney (the P.R. person). I'll finally know. I want a new life. I'm not interested in a relationship at all which is a very good thing for me. Nothing thrills me any more. I'm bored with all the games. Even the guy I used to obsess about long distance doesn't do it for me. I'm seeing things so clearly now.

12-Jan-2001

I feel fatigued all the time like when I was pregnant. I've been thinking about my daughter all day. The Gladney people took me to lunch and told me about the interview. They may not be able to accompany me, though. I'd be scared to go alone.

13-Jan-2001

Today I thought about my little girl a lot. I showed a friend of mine her pictures and gave her one. I don't know what I'd do if I had her right now. I passed baby items in the store and was grateful I didn't have her because she'd be without. To know she has more than she needs gives me comfort. Still nothing about the interview.

14-Jan-2001

I dreamed I went to my AP mom's for dinner but didn't ask about my daughter. I told a friend of mine about the interview pending. He couldn't believe it. He used to be in radio.

15-Jan-2001

I miss my little girl terribly. I got a picture today of her. A year ago I moved into Gladney. My daugher is five months old today. She's growing so fast. At work today a mom was bragging about how her little girl said her first words yesterday - Mama. I started back on my novel about Gladney. I'm only on Chapter 2. It's hard to write it but I want it to be so good and to help so many. Still nothing about the interview. My daughter looked so happy in the picture I got today. Unlike my baby pix. It was so important that she be happy and fed. I'm so glad I did what I did even though I miss her.

-15-01

I talked to a counselor in the Post Adoption Department at Gladney about my little girl and my grief. I still feel so guilty and lost without her. She's six months old today. She's starting to say letters and she rolls a lot. I got new pictures in the mail. I've missed six months of her life even though I get pictures; etc. I can hardly function or hold onto my job.

2-16-01

My dog is trying to save my life in a way, I think. He stood on my chest and started wrestling with me when I was depressed. He wouldn't let me stop playing and he kept licking my face. He made me laugh and smile for the first time in weeks. The day before he'd been at the vet with his on-going liver problem and was on three different meds. For the first time in a long time I felt new and alive. He'd made me care again. I guess maybe God reached me through him, who knows? My little girl is so lucky. I'm so lucky. I told my dog not to leave me and that I'd try and stick around. I thanked God.

2-26-01

A friend of mine made some rude comments about my adoption plan and I almost drank over it. She said I should have another baby and keep it, that I could've afforded to keep my daughter and that I just didn't have the confidence I needed to be a mom. She implied that since I love my little girl I should've kept her. Last night there were babies at a birthday party I went to and it made me sad. I almost quit or got fired. I got an email from a girl who's pregnant and doesn't know what to do. I sent her a copy of my journal and told her to call me. She's interested in adoption. Her boyfriend abuses her.

2-26-01

I talked to that girl again about adopting. We talked for a long time.

3-15-01

I made a long list of people who've said good things about the adoption so I can focus on that. There's quite a few people.

3-17-01

I wrote a letter to my friend who said mean things about the adoption but didn't send it, just wrote it for me. I'm not mad at God any more about the adoption, but still mad at me.

4-15-01

In two days I'm going to get to see my little girl for the first time since Placement. The 17th is the finalization of the adoption and we've all arranged to meet and spend the day together. I'm probably not going to sleep the night before, I'll be excited! It'll be like Christmas Eve as a kid, waiting for Santa or something! A friend of mine had me over for Easter dinner which I wasn't expecting, so that was nice. I thought about my daughter all day and wondered what she thought of her first Easter today and about how she looked. I bet everyone made a fuss over her at church.

4-16-01

I'm at my best friend's spending the night and in the morning after court for the finalization of the adoption, the AP mom is supposed to call me for us to meet! We're going to take pix and videotape everything. I can't wait to see my little girl and to hold her in my arms. She always dresses her so cute. I'll probably be up and down all night but I don't care. I've got the day off for this special occasion that I'll never forget.

4-17-01

I got to see my little girl today! Now she's officially all theirs, legally. She was so happy and talked and smiled the whole time, saying "dada" and looking up at all the lights and around at all the people. She's so curious! I'm prejudiced but I've never seen such a happy baby! We took pictures and they gave me some new ones they took. She thinks her name's 'pretty girl' because they call her that all the time, to get her to smile for pictures. She used to not like getting her picture taken.

4-18-01

I'm still doing well and am really happy about my daughter. My AP mom emailed me to see if I was okay and I told her I'm doing good. She said I was so calm and gracious to everyone. I met some of her family and friends at breakfast yesterday when I saw my little girl. She said they all loved me. Her best friend told me it was an honor to meet me and that she felt like she already knew me, with tears in her eyes. Her sister told me she saw me when I came in the restaurant and that I was the exact image of my daughter. She said she would know me anywhere!

4-22-01

The AP mom got to see the "Barbara Walters Special" about adoption. She said she cried and cried during it and my little girl looked at her as if to say, "What's your deal?" She said she loved it and liked what Rosie O'Donnell had to say, too. She said she's going to tell both of her kids (her son's adopted, too through Gladney) that they were always number one in their birth moms' eyes and that I and the other birth mom (to her son) chose adoption because they were the most important thing in our lives and we wanted the best. She said she tells them how special they are, especially at night as she wants them to know from an early age how special and lucky they are.

4-23-01

I emailed the AP mom and told her thank you for the sweetest letter she put in a card to me. Her words meant a lot to me. She said she and her husband were humbled by my choosing them to raise my daughter. I liked the special and afterwards went to the store for a breather.

4-26-01

I had a delayed reaction the other day to seeing my little girl. I was doing great for several days then got depressed. But then I got a cheery email from the AP mom today telling me that my little girl got in the jacuzzi today for the first time and absolutely loved it, becoming so excited she almost jumped out of their arms! That made my day! She said her son loved the water at that age, too, but never like this. She laughed and laughed (my daughter did). Maybe she'll become an Olypmic swimmer or something. She splashed and squealed. She said next tiem she'll tape it for me. So she adores the water! The AP mom is leaving in the morning for the weekend for the first time to be away from her kids. She said she's looking forward to it but dreading leaving them. She said it's hard for her to go to work even though they sleep the whole time she's gone. She's afraid they won't miss her as they both love their dad. I thought about them all weekend and how they did with just their dad. He dotes on them both and is so gentle with my daughter. He's just the father she needs. I know he would protect her till his dying day. She doesn't deserve any less and I feel good about him. Today is my dad's 65th birthday but we're estranged. I'm glad my little girl will never have to go through that. My dad abused me so I can't be with him or have him in my life because he hasn't changed and takes no responsibility for what he did. I tried having him in my life before but it was destructive for me so I had to let him go. He still tries sometimes to worm his way back in, but he's not willing to do things differently. He doesn't even know about my little girl but I'm protective of her, too.

4-27-01

I'm talking more about the adoption to others and am not ashamed. I will never be ashamed of her. I am ashamed of me, that I couldn't get it together to be a mom.

4-28-01

I got an idea to go to the nursing home next to my job on Mother's Day and deliver care packages and visit those who never get visitors. I figure since that day is traditionally the hardest day of the year for birth moms and it will be my first one without my daughter, that it will do me good to get out of myself. This just came to me.

4-29-01

I talked to the activitiy director at the nursing home and when I told her what I wanted to do she got all excited like she won the Lotto or something. Anyway, it could always be worse. I could be an old lady in a nursing home with no one to visit me. How sad would that be?

4-30-01

I didn't have as many entries for March in my journal because I work on my novel about Gladney on a daily basis in hopes of getting it published one day. I want it to be perfect and to help so many. A friend of mine is going through a tough time over her adoption. She placed her son who's now 14 when she was 18. Now she's 34 and because it was a closed adoption, totally unlike mine, she has never gotten any pictures (not since he was 3 years old, anyway). She said she's drank over it for 14 years. She's got a few months sober now, thankfully.

Updates coming soon.