Questions Without Answers

Questions Without Answers - --
A Memo to Adoptive Parents

by Alison Louington Boh Hyung Peck, Age 15

There are many questions that adopted children have but which can't be answered. Most of these questions come up when they are teenagers. This is a frustrating time for your adopted teenager. When you begin the adoption process, gather up as much information as possible from the very beginning. Some day, you'll be glad you did!

Here is a list of questions your adopted children might have:

1. How come I was given up by my birthparents?

2. Do I have any brothers and sisters in my home country?

3. Will I be able to go back to my place of birth to visit?

4. Do my birthparents think about me at all?

5. Where was I adopted? Who arranged my adoption?

6. Will I ever get to see my birthparents when I get older?

From my point of view, these questions will be asked one way or the other. It is a stage that all adopted teens go through. It may make them angry that they don't have the answers they are looking for. This will all depend on how serious your child is taking his or her questions. When your child is going through this stage, first let her deal with things on her own. Then she may want help from you. The best thing parents can do is support their children.

Some kids are afraid to ask these questions. I think there are three main reasons for this. First, adoption may not be a topic for discussion in the house, so therefore, kids will keep their questions to themselves. Second, some adopted kids are afraid that they might hurt their parents' feelings by asking. Finally, sometimes when an adopted child looks like his or her parents he may not even know for sure that he is adopted. This is sad. My advice to you is to tell your children that they are adopted as early as possible. Secrets are destructive!

As parents, you need to tell your children it is okay to ask questions about their adoption and that it will not hurt your feelings (if you're that kind of person). Talk openly about adoption with your children. It will help your children be less afraid to ask these questions.

You might be curious about how I dealt with my questions and how I felt. I asked my mom this questions a couple of years ago and was hoping to get all of my questions answered. I did not. This made me angry and upset. I dealt with it by crying first, then talking about my feelings with my mom. I even went to counseling for a few weeks. I also dealt with my feelings by listening to songs on the radio. Some of the songs had new meaning to me as I sorted out my feelings. To all of you who are going to be adoptive parents, remember: since adoption is forever, be prepared with answers to your child's questions!

Editor's Note: Alison, arrived home at 4 months of age. was placed from Korea as a "normal child with a placid temperament." She is multiply handicapped by cerebral palsy, fetal alcohol syndrome and a profound hearing loss. However, she is gifted by an indomitable spirit and lust for life and learning!

Credits: Alison Louington Boh Hyung Peck