The Blending and Bonding of Adoptive Families
Part I: A Multi-Perspective Viewby Judy Grob-Whiting, social worker (adoptive parent and raised in blended family)
"Children in blended families were as healthy and close to their siblings as those in biological ones." Sibling study by the University of Minnesota
At Wide Horizons For Children, we have seen a growing trend among clients towards building blended families - families with both biological and adopted children. Perhaps this is due to secondary infertility, second marriages, marriages at older ages, or maybe humanitarian beliefs. Understanding blended families is important because there are more layers of complexity within this type of family.
Adoptee's Perspective
"A prospective adoptive parent must go into this with eyes wide open." It's hard to tease out all the factors that contribute to each child's adjustment in a blended family-birth order, gender, balance of biological and adopted children, and issues unique to adoption all come into play. Parents need to not place too much emphasis on adoption, while at the same time respect that some issues are harder for adopted children.
Adoptive Parent's Perspective
"It builds flexible families."
"It's important to normalize developmental stages that all children go through." When an adopted child is going through a rough period, it's good to normalize it by reflecting on how an older biological child went through a hard period too. It's not always about adoption.
Biological Sibling's Perspective
"It's important to acknowledge and nurture unique qualities of each child apart from how they came into the family."
"Relationships within the family evolve over time." Siblings will bond differently with one another just as they do in non-blended families. Also, these relationships may change over time.
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Part II: The First Year
By Kelly, an adoptive parent
In the spring of 2001, when our biological daughter, Eliza, was one and a half, my husband and I decided to pursue having a second child. We faced two options: a return to the emotionally grueling roller coaster of doctor's visits and fertility treatments or the pursuit of adoption. We unanimously chose to adopt.
As we began the process, questions flooded our minds. Would we love a child who had not been born to us? Would our love for that child feel the same as our love for Eliza? Would an adopted child feel slighted if his sister had a biological link to us? What would it be like to blend biological and adopted children within our family? What would it be like (for us, for the children, for our extended families) to have two children who looked very different from one another?
These questions tugged at our minds and hearts as we proceeded. We spoke at length with a number of social workers as well as parents who had both biological and adopted children. They assured us that our questions were valid and to be expected, and then they assured us that we would love an adopted child in the same deep and overwhelming way that we love Eliza.
The moment we received that first photograph of six-week-old Daniel from Guatemala, so many of those questions vanished. The first time we held him in our arms, we wondered if we'd ever had any questions at all. Of course, we loved him. Of course, he was ours. Is it the identical love we have for our daughter?
Certainly, the basic parental love that causes us to feed him and clothe him and rock him in the middle of the night is the same. Certainly, the feeling of "this is my child" is the same. But, as I would imagine to be true for any parents of more than one child, we love them each individually. We love that Eliza changes her clothes three times a day. We love that Daniel insists on sleeping with his basketball. We love that Eliza has her Mommy's eyes and her Daddy's laugh. We love that Daniel and his dad are told how much they look alike.
As for our children's questions, well, Daniel is just mastering the words, "more" and "please," so it will be a few years still for him. Eliza, on the other hand, is fascinated by pregnant women. Her favorite question: "Whose tummy did (fill in the name) grow in?" She knows now that she grew in Mommy's tummy and Daniel grew in Maria Luisa's tummy. She will tell you that she was born in St. Louis and he was born in Guatemala. She begs to hear the "Story of Eliza," followed immediately by the "Story of Daniel," little vignettes we tell at bedtime describing how they both came to be part of our family.
We know that the questions they ask will get more complex as they grow, and we trust that we will be able to give Daniel the information he needs to understand his journey to our family.
Ultimately, though, what we want our children to know is what they seem to know already in their very young way that they are both amazing gifts to us. Amazing gifts that we couldn't manufacture or create or make happen. Amazing gifts for which we are immensely thankful.
As I field questions from new acquaintances and strangers, I am reminded of just how much I love both of my children. Eliza is an incredibly striking child (if I do say so) with blonde hair, pale skin and really big blue eyes. Daniel, is an incredibly striking child (if I do say so) with black hair, amazing brown skin, and really big black eyes. When people ask me, "Are they both yours?" I answer them quite truthfully with a resounding YES.
If this curious onlooker wants to know more, I gladly tell all about our adoption experience. But at the most basic level, these children are both most definitely mine. I tell the curious the same thing I tell my children: One was born to us, one was adopted by us. And that made them our children.
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Part III: The Day I Met My Sister
By Erin, a biological sibling
While waiting at the airport for my new sister I began to wonder what she would be like. How scared would she be and how could she trust us? Then I began to wonder about her mother. Wasn't she scared about her baby?
All of a sudden over the loud speaker a voice rang out announcing Flight 89 from South Korea. A lady came around the corner with this cute little bundle with black hair sticking out. My mother took her and held her in her arms. My dad glanced over my mom's shoulder and smiled. I couldn't see the baby yet , and wanted to hold her so my mom told me to sit down. I took the warm bundle in my arms. I could feel her body heat against mine. After all my family members saw her, we got into the car and headed home. When we got home I took her inside and laid her gently down. I thought to myself, "Wow! This is my sister now and I already love her!"
Kaitlin is now five years old and I'm glad to have her as part of my life. Without her I would be alone with just three annoying brothers. Then, my second little sister, Meghan, from Korea came. We went through the same excitement. I could tell Kaitlin was enjoying it too. I realized how much she loves her. After a few months, however, Kaitlin began getting jealous. I told her that when she came I was excited but I began getting a little jealous too.
Kaitlin and I often argue. And she often gets really annoyed with Meghan. But we all love each other very much. So I have two wonderful little sisters even though they often get into my room and mess it up. I agree with my mother who always says, "All I have to say is, thank-you God for my little babies from Korea."
Copyright © 2003 by Wide Horizons For Children, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.
© Copyright © 2003 by Wide Horizons For Children, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.
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